Debunked: Why 10,000 Hours Is NOT the Ticket to Success—Here's What Is

Here’s my contrarian take. The 10,000 hours is bullshit.

The best odds for success…

Skill Stacking.

But let's first look at the popular wisdom of the 10,000 hours (made popular by Malcolm Gladwell).

How many people do you know who are truly experts or masters in their field?

Think about it.

How many kids play soccer, hockey, basketball or dance from 5 years old through high school (definitely over 10,000 hours)?

How many become pro?

One study found the percentage was .023%.

The most overlooked approach is stacking a unique combo of skills.

Skill Stacking.

What is skill stacking?

Remember Mega Man and how every time he defeated a new villain, he was able to copy that villain's special weapon.

And eventually, by acquiring all these special abilities, he was able to defeat Dr. Wily.

This is the same as skill stacking.

Another analogy for skill stacking is how my daughter puts together her ensemble.

On the surface, each item looks to be unrelated and seems to clash.

But once complete, she emerges as a strong and capable superhero who can accomplish anything.

The great thing is you don’t have to be an expert in any one of them.

By creating a combo of unique skills it can be a cheat code to success.

One of my favorite business personalities is Codie Sanchez.

Her skill stack has made her a boring business-buying powerhouse (and multi-millionaire).

She started a career as a journalist (writing) at the US-Mexico border, covering human trafficking and giving a voice to the unknown.

She realized that what put these victims in the position was the lack of money.

She then went into Mergers and Acquisitions (finance) at Goldman Sachs, a fancy way of saying she learned to get a good deal when buying a business.

She then began to focus on small businesses, the types of businesses that Goldman wasn’t focusing on (small business expertise).

Stacking these skills ‘Writing’ + ‘Finance’ + ‘Small Business Expertise’ has allowed her to write the book on how to buy small businesses.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my skill stack. And honestly, I wish I would have thought about it more when I was younger.

But I’m excited to encourage my kids to think about their Skill Stack for success.

I’m of the opinion there are two types of skills that should be included in our skill stack

1) Practical skills: writing, sales, communication and

2) Unique skills: arborist, improv, sommelier, permaculturist, puzzle-solving, etc.

The unique skills I would describe as obscure passions.

The skill stack that creates the most value for me is:

healthcare strategy consulting + B2B sales + writing.

I’m not a master of any of these, but together they make me marketable and make me money.

What obscure hobby do your children have that should be part of a skill stack?

Temperament: The Secret To Parenting

This is a picture of my youngest, and she shares my temperament (sanguine).

I get her and she is easy for me to parent.

My son has a very different temperament. One that neither my wife or I share.

And largely because of his different temperament, it has encouraged us to read over 20 parenting books with titles like “Parenting With Zen”.

And I’ll be honest I’ve not figured out how to always parent with zen.

But there is one book that has helped me unlock a cheat code to parenting.

And given me a new way to look at how I interact with each of my kids.

That secret is knowing and understanding our child’s temperament.

Here are my takeaways from reading "The Temperament God Gave Your Kids" by Art and Laraine Bennett so you don’t have to read it.

1/ Temperament Is Nature Not Nurture.

Man, did this give me relief.

If you are like me, I sometimes get embarrassed by my kids behavior in public or around family and friends.

Whether they are too shy to engage or too loud and trying to be the center of attention or too aggressive and like to pull out the Mike Tyson uppercut.

It isn’t something I did or didn’t do as a parent…its’s just their nature.

2/ Knowledge Is Power

The Bennetts explain that understanding your kid's temperament is like knowing the dance steps to their unique rhythm.

So, what are these temperaments?

According to the Bennetts, psychologists have found there are 4 types of temperaments, and every child is born with some combination of these 4.

Like a buffet table of personality flavors: sanguine, choleric, melancholic, and phlegmatic.

Here is a table of each temperament and a description:

Each child is some mix of these, and figuring out their combo is like finding the right playlist for their mood.

For example, my sanguine sweetheart might be the next stand-up comedian.

While my melancholic munchkin could write soul-stirring poetry.

So instead of dragging my introverted child to every soccer game or expecting my extrovert to read quietly for hours, I’m learning to embrace their innate talents.

Nurture their strengths while gently encouraging them to dip their toes into new waters.

3/ The Role Of A Parent Is Special

Let’s take tantrums as a super fun example.

Those unpredictable storms that sweep through even the sunniest of days.

Understanding my child's temperament can help weather these emotional hurricanes.

As a parent, I have the unique role of understanding my child, their temperament and teaching them mechanisms to express and get control of their emotions.

A choleric child's meltdown might be about control, while a phlegmatic little one just wants a cozy corner to curl up in.

Armed with this knowledge, I can tailor my tactics.

For example, if my sanguine’s spirit is spiraling, an engaging distraction might work wonders.

On the other hand, if my melancholic cherub is in the throes of despair, a comforting hug and a listening ear could do the trick.

4/ And For The Next Playdate

Playdates can be a circus act of juggling personalities, preferences, and patience.

Sanguines are the party planners, ensuring fun and games galore.

Cholerics are natural leaders, ready to organize and take charge.

Melancholics add depth to the conversation, contributing thoughtful insights.

And phlegmatics? They're the peacekeepers, making sure everyone gets along.

So let my sanguine sprinkle a dash of excitement, my choleric guide the games, my melancholic deepen the discussions, and for phlegmatic (we do not have one of these “easy” kids) ensure harmony reigns.

5/ A Strength Gone To Far Is A Challenge

As parents, our role is to give our kids the ability to express and eventually handle their emotions in a healthy way.

To find the strength in their temperament.

For my choleric son wants to be in control and prefers aggression over finding agreement.

I have to understand that his outbursts are not personal and not caused by something I did or didn’t do.

And my responsibility is to coach him on how to find the strengths in his temperament like leadership and determination versus control and aggression.

Parenting is an adventure.

It truly teaches me something about myself everyday.

With this newfound knowledge, I feel more equipped to navigate the challenges, celebrate their strengths, and dance to the rhythm of their personalities.

Lets Go!!!

The Stress-Free Way To Get Confident Little Bikers

Dads, here’s the simplest way to teach your kids to ride a bike confidently.

The challenge: Teaching our kids to ride a bike is often frustrating for us dads.

Even when our intentions are good.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Here is my no-pressure art of teaching your kids to ride a bike with confidence.

First, here's how learning to ride went for me as a child:

My dad, a firefighter, was more of the cool-aid man (brute force) than a patient teacher.

He took the philosophy when teaching me to ride a bike:

1/ You will thank me later

2/ I don’t care about what you “Feel”. I care about results.

My dad’s approach:

1/ Buy me a new bike.

2/ Take me to a bike path.

3/ Give me a push as I wobble down the trail.

4/ And stay at it until I learned

The problem with this:

Every time he let go I was afraid to go on my own.

Falling down hurts.

He grew impatient.

I could feel his frustration, which only added to my hesitation and fear.

I started to cry.

“Dad, I wanna go home”

His response:

“We can go home if you learn to ride your bike, or we can go home after you have fallen five times.”

The results:

Skinned knees.

Tears.

I left defeated, cycling equaled fear & pain.

I didn’t try to ride my bike again for a year.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Here is my no-pressure art of teaching my son to confidently ride his pedal bike.

And there are 3 simple steps:

1/ Make sure the bike fits your kid properly.

Adjust the seat so their feet sit flat on the ground.

2/ Remove the pedals from the bike.

3/ With the pedal-less bike, they can scoot around on their own. And become more confident on 2 wheels.

The 2 reasons this is better:

1/ Encourages our kids to gain confidence at their own pace.

2/ Allows the experience to be pressure free: this isn’t a zero to a hundred process, but a gradual increase in skill.

Back to my childhood...

Eventually, I did learn how to ride my bike, free from my dad’s impatience.

I’m not mad at him I get his intentions.

He saw the neighborhood kids riding and knew that I would feel excluded If I didn’t learn.

But he made something that should've been fun, super stressful.

It doesn't have to be this way.

Give your kid the tools they need to teach themselves.

Soon, they will be asking you to put the pedals back on their bikes.

The Ancient Technique I’m Teaching My Kids

Dads, this ancient technique has led to some of history's greatest discoveries.

It’s centuries-old (~ 13th century) and even more practical today than ever.

And I'm teaching it to my kids.

Einstein lived by it.

This simple yet proven technique can be used just as much in life as in business or in science.

That timeless technique:

The scientific method.

Ok that was a lot of build up. 

Let me tell you why I'm teaching my kids the scientific method and how I’m making it fun.

Even for children as young as 3.

The scientific method is a simple, profound way to snap up knowledge like Mario nabbing mushrooms.

It is this method that leads to new discoveries. 

The beauty is that it starts with curiosity and is rooted in trying (experimentation).

And although science is in the name, it doesn’t take a scientist. 
  
The scientific method teaches that failure (trial and error) is part of the process.
 
And we learn as much from what doesn’t work than what does.

And data is the true indicator of outcome.

I have found a fun way to make it a part of my 3 and 4-year-olds' daily life.

We play a game called “What Floats?”

No this isn't a poop joke.

At bathtime, we scan the bathroom for things we think might float in the bathtub (observe).

We ask the question: "which bathroom item will float?" (question)

We look for items that we think might float and come up with guesses of why we think it might float (hypothesis).

Then we drop it in the tub and see what happens (baby sister is off limits) (experiment).

We see what floats and what sinks (analysis).

And we keep retrying with new items.

We start to see a pattern (knowledge).

It's beautiful. 

It's simple.

You can take try it out with almost anything like:

"What can you add to lemonade to make it sweeter?"

Or the next time your child asks, “why do some balloons float?”

Instead of just telling them the answer, ask them what they think.

And turn it into a science experiment.

Yes, you might burn half a day but what better way to kill a rainy Sunday than to experiment?

And I also realized that I use the scientific method almost every day.

At work and in life.

I use it to:

Test and find the right message that will land with potential clients.

Or identify what is wrong with our two-year-old oven.

And my kids use this approach to figure out how they can squeeze another snack out of daddio. 

Kids are born with the intuition to use the scientific method.

It is how they learn to walk, talk and stop pooping their pants.

The challenge is as kids get older.

Failure becomes less accepted…

Most stop using the scientific method unless they are in a science lab.

That is why making the scientific method a learning tool is so important for my family and me. 

Even if they don’t study science, this approach will treat them well in business or daily life.

and just maybe one day…

They will discover something that has never been discovered.

Dads, Don’t Make This Common Mistake

Dads, stop making this common mistake that might prevent your kids from thriving.  

We all want to raise confident and independent kids. 

But, like me, you’ve probably used this common, seemingly harmless phrase. 

And it might be planting seeds of doubt and fear in our kids.  

The great thing is there is a simple fix.  

But first, the seemingly benign phrase.

“Be careful.” 

 Each time we say “be careful,” what we’re really saying is;

“Hey, I'm afraid (fear) you’re going to get hurt,” and “you’re not capable of thinking about the risk, and you need me to remind you.”

Trust me, I’ve said it, but I try not to because…

By saying “be careful,” we’re subtly reinforcing that we fear things and our kids should too. 

And we lack trust in their ability to navigate life.   

The result is unnecessary anxiety.  

Of course, none of us wake up in the morning and declare, “how can I make my kids more anxious, afraid, and a little less confident.”  

We all want to raise confident, independent little explorers.

AND we want them to grow up with all their limbs, intact.  

So here’s the easy fix. 

Instead of “be careful” 

Say, “what's your plan?” 

But you might think, what if my kid is barrelling toward boiling water? 

Or dashing for the busy street.  That’s not good, right?   

There is a solution for this too.  But first, here’s why “what’s your plan?” is the fix.

By using ‘what’s your plan” instead of “be careful,” you’re getting your kids to think about their actions, what they are trying to do, and the potential outcome. 

Our goal as parents should be for our kids to assess risk independently.  

Not to avoid risk. 

Especially as they enter a future that will likely look very different than the one we live in. 

With tech changing things daily, our kids will need to be great at assessing risk rather than avoiding it.  

If they still don’t see the inherent risk in climbing to the top of a dead tree.  

We might add a follow-up question like how are you going to make sure the limb doesn’t break beneath you or how are you going to get down?

This gets them to anticipate and think through potential obstacles or failure points. 

Now back to them in immediate danger, like barrelling toward boiling water or dashing for a busy street. 

When we dads are babysitting our kids (my wife says, “you don’t ‘babysit’ your own kids”), it is our job to keep them safe.  

Sometimes we need to swoop in like superman and save them but then take the time to reflect.  

I would argue this is rare, but sometimes our kids have a lapse in judgment and decide they want to play frogger with traffic.  

Once you save them, don’t yell.  

Simply ask them if they understand why you swooped in.  

Ask them what might have happened if you let them complete the action.

Then explain to them how we need to respect things that could hurt us.   

Takeaway:

So the next time you go to say, “be careful,” catch yourself and ask your child, “what’s your plan?”  

They will likely look at you like you have six heads because they are used to hearing “be careful.” 

Consistently taking the “what’s your plan?” approach will give them the confidence to independently assess the risk of things. 

They will be more confident, independent, and ready to take on risks. 

Because if they’re avoiding risk, they’re avoiding success. 

Raise Kids That Can Defeat Robots

Dads, have you ever thought, damn, Terminator is looking less like fiction?

Undoubtedly the future will look like some version of the Jetsons…full of robots.

Robots, or what we commonly refer to as Artificial Intelligence (AI), have caused more buzz than the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. 

The hype has been chiefly about OpenAI’s ChatGPT.

What is ChatGPT? 

First, AI stands for Artificial Intelligence, and it's like a robot brain that can think and learn on its own. 

And ChatGPT is a special kind of AI that can talk and write, just like you and me.

So imagine Pinky is like a regular person, and he wants to know something. But instead of asking the Brain, he asks ChatGPT. And ChatGPT can find the answer for him really fast, because it's really smart.

Just like how the Brain always has a plan to take over the world, AI and ChatGPT have a plan to help people with all sorts of things, like talking to a doctor, or helping with school work.

[ChatGPT’s answer when prompted to explain ChatGPT like Pinky and The Brain]

ChatGPT can draw up contracts, craft blogs, write code, pen essays, and pass exams.

ChatGPT could even get an elite MBA from a Uni like Wharton.

A Wharton MBA professor recently gave ChatGPT their course exam, and it beat students, scoring a B.  

If you think that’s impressive, ChatGPT passed the US Medical Licensing exam.

And coasted to a pass on the Bar exam (lawyers betta be scared).  

Educators worry that cheating will spread faster than the latest TikTok dance trend, stoking fear that AI will make many things we know today obsolete.  

So much for Waylon Jennings' advice:

“mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys…let’em be doctors and lawyers and such.”

So what?

The opportunity might be in what we value and how we teach our kids, so they don’t get replaced by robots. 

This tweet from Neil deGrasse Tyson (Astrophysicist) sums it up well.

When Students cheat on exams it's because our School System values grades more than Students value learning.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) April 14, 2013

If parents and educators, continue to value grades over learning, we are destined to raise kids that robots can replace in the job market. 

Well, how can an exhausted, maybe non-techie, dad raise the John (or Sarah) Connors, that can defeat SkyNet (not get replaced by robots)?

Here are the 6 things I’m doing and you can do today:  

1/ Get familiar with AI 

You don’t have to be a genius or techie to use AI.  

ChatGPT is free, and interacting with it is as easy as typing in questions. 

There’s a fun website that lets you type in any word and creates an image from those words.  This AI tool is called DreamStudio.  

Try it out.  Have fun.  This is only the beginning.  

2/ Raise kids with traits that AI will not easily replace.  

Creativity, empathy, critical thinking, and communication (a big topic for a future blog post).

There are many ways to do this but to put it simply, model and encourage these behaviors through your own actions.

Think “monkey see, monkey do.”

And encourage them to; pursue passions like the arts, solve puzzles, name and discuss their emotions and find their favorite storytellers so they can read and learn to tell stories. 

3/ Expose them to AI early 

Use ChatGPT to explain a topic.  Use a prompt like this:

Explain [Insert Complex Topic] like [Their Favorite Cartoon Character] to [Grade level].

Example of a prompt I might use:

Explain nuclear fusion like paw patrol to a preschooler. 

Nuclear fusion is like when the Paw Patrol team works together to save the day. Just like how each pup has a special skill and job, the tiny things inside atoms called nuclei have special properties and when they work together, they can make a bigger and stronger atom. This process is called nuclear fusion and it's what makes the sun shine, and it's also what scientists are trying to do in special places called fusion reactors to make clean energy. Just like how the Paw Patrol team works together to save the day, Nuclear fusion can make a lot of energy for us to use.

Explore together.  Let your kids ask the questions.  Discuss where it is right and where it does not explain things fully. 

4/ See AI as a power tool 

Ok, so imagine you’re building a skate ramp for your kids.  

You could use a handsaw but damn, you will be there for hours.  Instead, you pull out your Dewalt battery-powered circular saw. 

This is how we should think of AI. It can help us work faster and better while saving us from some serious pain (dem’ shoulders get sore for days in your 40s)

Need to draft an email to an upset customer...use AI. 

Need an icebreaker or good “no fail’ question to start a meeting…use AI.

Want to draft a rental contract for a new tenant…see where I’m going with this? 

One emerging trend for using AI as a power tool is promptcraft.

Promptcraft is like being a woodworker and using power tools to aid in crafting a beautiful piece of furniture. 

The woodworker knows that the joints and the finish make the piece beautiful, so that’s where they spend most of their time learning and focusing.

Promptcraft uses AI to make quick and accurate cuts so you can spend your time on the joints and the finish to get a beautiful piece.  

5/ Explain to them how AI is already improving lives

I work in healthcare, and we’re using AI to make doctors' and nurses' jobs easier by finding diseases that even a trained eye might not catch.  

It is also helping find patients that might be at risk so they can get treatment before things get hopeless.

But it doesn’t stop with healthcare. Tesla and self-driving cars use AI to make roads safer by making decisions way quicker than distracted drivers (get off your phone).

Next time you see a Tesla on the road, make a note to your son or daughter and mention how the robot in the Tesla is making the roads safer for all of us. 

6/ Value learning over grades

Grades might have some value, but learning is the key to life.  Praise the act of trying, failing, reflecting, redesigning, and retrying. 

Hell, instead of sitting at a desk.  Play hooky (a post on this topic) with your child to learn something. Go to a museum, learn a new sport, or take a class on a new practical skill.

Try something, try anything that focuses on the act of learning.

Takeaway

We, dads, have a big responsibility, to make sure our kids don’t get replaced by robots.  

It starts with us learning about and embracing AI as a power tool that can make life better.  

Pick one of these things and start today. Your kids’ futures will depend on it.

“I’ll be back….”(said in my best Arnold voice)

How To Raise Future-Proofed Kids

Ever wonder…geez, life is tough; I can’t imagine what it will be like for my kids?

I don’t have a crystal ball, but things have changed a ton since I was a kid, and I can only imagine that life will look pretty different when our kids grow up. 

One of the common characteristics of successful adults is that they’re comfortable with failure and mistakes.

Here’s why. 

Success in life is about learning from mistakes.  

Chamath Palihapitiya, the controversial billionaire with a rags-to-riches story, said, "life's success is how you control your mistakes. The way you control your mistakes is by making a bunch of mistakes.”  

Mistakes are jet fuel for success.   

We learn through mistakes because each mistake reduces the number and severity of future errors until we know what is needed to succeed.   

As our kids get older, the world around them (including us dads) expects them to make fewer mistakes and yet this is an inherently flawed mindset.  

Think about how mistakes lead us to some of our greatest discoveries in life. 

Some questionable dating mistakes are how we found our +1.  

Mistakes are what lead to thriving new businesses.  

Mistakes have uncovered breakthrough products, services, and nuclear fusion.

A culture of mistakes is how our kids become confident and entrepreneurial lil’ badasses ready to tackle whatever the future holds. 

So how do we make mistakes as much part of our family tradition as cheering for our favorite football team? 

Here are three ways you can start today:

1/ Make mistakes a side dish at dinnertime 

Ask your kids how they failed each day (check out the Art of Family Dinner Convo blog).

You, too, can participate by letting your kids know which mistakes you made that day.  

“Kids, I thought Scam Bank-Fried was a philanthropist and lost a mound of dirty fiat on the FTX crypto exchange.” 

Do this around the dinner table each night to make it routine.

Then ask them what they learned from their mistakes. 

By making it part of dinner each day, your kids will learn a tradition of valuing mistakes. 

2/ Celebrate mistakes

Treat mistakes as gifts.  Celebrate them.

Mistakes are a gift because each one is newly acquired knowledge.

Do this by going a little deeper once your kids share their mistakes.  They may even have failed several times that day.  

Ask them which mistake was their favorite and why.  

Ask them what they learned from their failure. 

Celebrating mistakes by talking about them will make them a part of your family tradition.  

3/ Don’t throw the flag and penalize 

It's easy to think not all mistakes are created equal.  

But I would argue it is important how we handle all mistakes, even mistakes that seem blatant or no-brainers, like when my son wakes up in the morning and douses our toilet like an unmanned garden hose.  

My instinct is to be like, “SON!  You suck at pissing! Sit down next time”!  

It is easy for me to default to anger or shame for intentional (taking the base screws out of dad’s office chair) or no-brainer (pissing all over the toilet seat) mistakes.  

But this is where a tradition of mistakes can start to erode.  

It would be better for me to acknowledge that his aim isn’t good quite yet, and until he learns to hit the bullseye, he will need to clean it up and go back to sitting when pissing.  

Our challenge to you:

The ability to embrace mistakes is a key to raising kids that can handle whatever the future throws at them.

Start by making mistakes a tradition by serving them daily at the dinner table.  Celebrate them, and don't penalize mistakes, even no-brainers. 

Let's get out there and push mistakes like weights (ode to the great poet Ice Cube).  

The Best Trait For Kid’s Success AND You Can Do It In Your Backyard

Guess what?

Curiosity is essential to a kid’s growth. 

It is also the best predictor of future success…said a bunch of smart people.  

Beyond teaching them to not be afraid of everything, curious kids become kids with more scientific outlooks.

Basically, a curious kid is a kid who “seeks to fill knowledge gaps or uncertainty”.  

But, what does this mean? 

For a kid who seeks to fulfill knowledge gaps naturally, this mindset will encourage your kid to do what scientists do: Ask questions, and see if there are answers to these questions. 

Basically, this curious mindset is just a stellar pathway to fostering little scientists.

But how? 

Today, we are gonna present a two-step plan: Encourage, and Model Curiosity. 

Encourage Curiosity

This is your time to put “no stupid questions” into practice.

As this week's source points out, a kid whose questions aren’t explored will stop asking them. 

Which means,

If your kid asks a Q: have fun with it! 

If you don’t know, the answer, explore it with him…

BONUS: The now popular Sesame Street song “I Wonder, What If, Let’s Try.” is a simple framework to guide curiosity. 

This brings us to our next point:

Model Curiosity

Just like emotions, just like language: your kid will learn curiosity from you!

Example:

You guys are walking through a forest trail. 

Your daughter points to a bug:

Opportunity Alert!

You say to her, “I wonder why that bug is red?”

What if…together brainstorm as many “what ifs” as you can, before you reach for your phone…no wrong answers here.

Once you get home, you keep the curiosity alive.

At home, your dear friend google teaches you guys that the bug is red to signify to predators… 

“I'm poisonous! If you eat me …

Science.

Spark Notes

Encourage Curiosity: Always treat your kid's questions as worthy, and give them the time of day they deserve. 

Model Curiosity: Show your kid what a curious person looks like, and how a curious person follows up on their questions.

Your Challenge

If your kid has any curious questions this week, explore one of them with ridiculous depth. See just how far down the rabbit hole you can go.

Equally, try to model one curious question. See if you can ask a question that makes your kid so curious that THEY become the encourager in the duo.

7 Parenting Tips From An FBI Top Hostage Negotiator

It was a disaster.  Our worst dining experience as parents. 

It also came at the tail end of a sugar loaded, sleep deprived 8 day vacation (it didn’t feel much like a vacation by the end).  

Our six month old was fussy and ready for her long midday nap.

Our 4 year old  was tormenting his sister and trying out some new “big kid” language he learned recently.  And our middle daughter was responding predictably to his antics with lots of screaming.

The other diners looked on with pity.

On top of that, our server forgot to put in our order and the wait went from painful to excruciating (palm to face).

Although we may have looked calm on the outside, my wife and I were a storm of stress on the inside.  

Once we finally made it home.  And once the dust settled.  We played back the events to understand what went wrong and what we could have done differently (like a coach watching his post game tape).

This was not just a normal loss. This was a blowout kind of loss.  One that was so embarrassing it had us questioning everything. 

We reflected on how we got to this and more importantly how we were going to move forward.  It felt like more than just a bad day, it seemed to us that our whole family was in need of some drastic changes.  And we realized that change needed to start with ourselves.

Our Research Converged

When my wife and I get stuck we like to read.  My wife started reading ‘Raising Good Humans’ by Hunter Clarke Fields and I read a book about negotiating with terrorists.

Seriously, Chris Voss, former FBI Top International Hostage Negotiator, wrote the book ‘Never Split the Difference’ about what he learned by negotiating with terrorists and how it can be applied to any part of our lives…especially parenting.  

Both had the same theme and came to the same conclusion.  

Empathy (Ironic coming from an FBI tough guy).     

Voss defines empathy as:

“paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.” 

So here is what I learned.  

NOTE: It can be applied to any human to human interaction.  Like asking for a raise, overcoming a challenge on a team project or closing a deal. 

1/ Slow it down

Ask How and What questions to slow things down.   

Son: “I want the pastry!” (emotionally charged)

Me: “How am I supposed to do that?”  (hopefully, in a calm and slow tone)

This moves the discussion with my son from the emotional part of his brain (amygdala) to the logical side of the brain (pre-frontal cortex).  This slows it down because it takes him time to respond.  Also giving me time. 

2/ Understand the Need

Me: “It seems like you are hungry”

Son: “Yes”

Understanding my son’s true need.  Sometimes this will take a few rounds to get to the actual need.   Even guessing wrong is ok because it will cause him to clarify.

3/ Label the emotion

Me: “You sound upset that you can’t have the pastry, right now?”

Son: “No, I am mad I can’t have the pastry”

Note: Kids cry or lash out as an expression of an emotion they haven’t learned how to express quite yet.  You can help them by labeling the emotion.  This will give them a better awareness of their emotions.  And eventually more control over their emotions.

4/ Mirror 

Me: “You’re mad you can’t have the pastry right now?” 

Son: “That’s right”

Playing back the last 1 to 3 words my son said helps create a connection.  It creates a sort of synchronization according to Voss.  With the goal of getting a “that’s right”, the ultimate confirmation.

We aren’t looking for “Yes” or “You’re Right” (so much more about this in his book and why these are false confirmations)  

5/ Get to back to the Hows and Whats

Son: “I really want the pastry”

Me: “How am I supposed to do that, when we are going to eat dinner shortly?”

Son: “hmmm”

This encourages your child to be a part of the problem solving and be more bought into the solution.

6/ Use Silence (Pause)

Pause and give him a chance to respond.  Don’t say anything and accept the silence. 

7/ Repeat 

They won’t get it on their first try and neither will you.  That’s ok…

What I found is one of two things:

1. He gets worn down from trying to solve the hows and whats and ‘walks away from the deal’ (desire is no longer pressing)

2. He comes up with a solution that we led him to and meets both of our needs.  By helping him understand his real need (hunger) he comes up with a better alternative (piece of fruit) to tie him over until dinner.  

Either way he will feel heard and that he has the ability to help resolve differences.  With enough reps both him and I should become empathy experts.    

This real ‘dad’ scenario is an example of how I have applied these tactics to my willful son.  According to Chris Voss (watch one of his videos) empathy applies to every situation in life. 

My takeaway from Chris Voss’s book:

1. If Empathy can work with terrorists and bank robbers, it can work with anyone, in any situation, especially dadding. 

2. Slow things down by engaging my kids in the problem solving by asking how and what questions

3. Label emotions and mirror. When kids feel heard and understood they feel a connection which builds trust.

4. Tone, it is more important how I say something than what I say.  Use late night FM DJ voice or playful voice (even in tense situations).   

5. Try not to let my emotions get into the discussion.  Pause, for myself and deep breath to reset. 

Ok…so we’re not perfect at the empathy thing yet.  But my wife and I have been making an honest effort lately to try and understand our son's world.  This doesn’t mean giving him everything he wants.  But it does mean having some honest empathy for him when things aren’t going his way or when his emotions are getting the better of him.  And what I’ve found is that yes, we still have bad days.  But most days are feeling more like a game where we’re all on the same team and less like a hostage takeover.

How To Make Your Kid’s Book Learnin’ Geniuses

We all want our kids to be little geniuses. 

The problem?

There is simply too much conflicting information surrounding the topic. 

Thus, we aren’t going to focus on giving you an overview of every possible technique for making little geniuses.

Instead, we are going to focus on one thing that has been proven to be beneficial to your children’s cognitive growth: Story Time. 

More importantly, we will give you our adaptation of the method developed by The Stony Brook Reading and Language Project to ensure your readings have the maximum cognitive benefits. 

But we are gonna change it up to make it less, Uhmmm, science-y. If you want to read about their method, click here.

Otherwise, read along for our SparkNotes. 

The Ask And Repeat Method

“And then Moe gave me a hyuuuuuuuuge beer…”

Not all stories are created equal. 

While reading to your kid is always good, to get the most benefit from storytime, we would like to introduce you to a technique that encourages your kids to become the storyteller themselves. 

This is not a listening exercise, but a conversation!

Here are the steps. Don’t worry, an example ahead!

Also, yes, we know we don’t have a catchy acronym. Just remember to Ask and Repeat, and treat these steps as a loose guideline. 

Ask

Ask your child a question about the story. 

Review

Review your child’s response. 

This will shape your response in the next section.

Add To

Here, ask your child another questions about the story.

Repeat

Have your child repeat your ‘add’.

An Example of Ask And Repeat!

You’re reading a book about cats and their varied emotional states.

In the book, there is a photo of a cat looking incredibly sad.

Ask (a question):

You: What’s in this photo?

Kid: “A cat”

Size Up:

You: Yes, my kid is correct! Wow, we’ve got a genius on our hands.

Add To:

“Yes, you identified it’s a cat! What do you notice about that cat?”. They might say “it looks sad” or “it’s white”.

Repeat:

“Can you say that’s a sad, white cat?”

“It’s a sad, white cat, dad!”

The Benefits Of Ask and Repeat Reading

Do not fear the large-headed child(he is learning)

The most obvious: by making reading an interactive experience, your kid will have more fun, and be more engaged.

While your kid is engaged, they are learning two important things: Vocab, and how to interact with a story.

The vocab aspect is obvious: as they expand their answer or you might need to introduce new words.

The other aspect is less obvious: by having a conversation with them about the book, you are teaching them how to think critically about a book. 

Look. This isn’t some hair-brained idea we invented. 

This is hard science that we’ve adapted to make it easier to understand and implement.

So.

Make Story Time

1.  More Fun  

2. More Beneficial to their little noggins.

Go make a little Jimmy Neutron!

Let ’em Fight, Why Kids That Learn Conflict Thrive

Have you ever taken your kid to the park when your sweet child suddenly becomes a selfish monster trying to take another kids toy?  

So what’s one to do?  Jump in and referee?  Turn your back?  Munch on some popcorn and watch it all play out?

Note: If you have older kids….stay tuned because all still applies with one key point.

Let’s paint a scene that drives home a key point…

Lil’ Jimmy is bumbling from sandbox to swingset and his mom is on him like ‘white on rice’ (this is a dadism from my ‘OG’ father.)

Then lil’ Jimmy gets locked in…on a toy he wants…but…Lil’ Suzy is deep into play with that three-wheeled rusted ol’ dump truck.  

My kids only want toys that other kids have.  I am sure this could be a law of nature, as dependable as gravity.  

Quickly, lil’ Jimmy’s mom becomes a hostage negotiator trying to talk lil’ Jimmy down.  Usually what ensues are two kids, one or both in tears, because they are made to share with one another…by their parents.

We all have a bit of lil’ Jimmy’s mom in us.  We are so worried that our own Lil’ Jimmy’s might offend another parent or god forbid take the toy from Suzy.  It has become the norm for parents to step in and stop any conflict

I’ve got 3 “Lil’ Jimmys” at home and after seeing a LOT of toy conflicts, there’s a better way and here’s what you can do.  Lets first start with why we need to remove ourselves from our kids’ squabbles.

The Why

As sure as death and taxes, conflict is a part of everyday life.  

ONE. CONFLICT. AFTER. ANOTHER.

I can’t tweet a funny little dadding nugget without someone commenting “harmful.”  People seem to be conflict illiterate these days; just scroll your favorite social app for a few minutes.  YIKES! (have you SEEN the mysterious pink sauce debate?)

I bet if you stopped to think about your day you would agree it is littered with conflict:  at home, on the road, at work, hell…even on the phone with your internet provider. 

Now imagine a bunch of lil’ Jimmys, whose parents followed them around through childhood, resolving their conflicts for them. 

Then these lil’ Jimmys grow up and find themselves in a world where even adults struggle to handle conflict…look out!

But I am here to tell you there is hope, and it starts with you and I. 

We dads need to show our kids how to handle conflicts. We need to be active coaches. And give our kids the tools to resolve conflict safely and on their own. 

You might be thinking:

 “My kid is too immature to resolve conflict.”

Or 

“I don’t want my kids to hurt anyone or be the playground bully.”  

Good points.

And I agree.  It is our job as dads to keep our kiddos and the other kids at the playground safe.  So we should never let it get to fisticuffs.

Here are the four things you can do with your kids that will give them to tools to be conflict heavy weight champs.  

NOTE: We try to make research more dad-like but if you’re interested, HERE is what the smart PhDs have to say about resolving conflict.

1. Wrestle…with feelings first.  I know, I know.  Gushy, gross feelings.  But just like changing diapers…you gotta do it.  Let's make it a little less gushy and gross. Accepting your kids' feelings.  When your kids feel heard, they calm down and are more likely to listen.  Here’s how to do that:

   • Give a high five to the emotion.  No one can turn off emotions. The key is in how we handle them.  So tell your child it is ok to be mad, angry, sad or whatever the current flavor is.  

   • Tag them into their emotions by helping them name the feeling. “You sound like you’re mad,” or “You seem angry because you did not get that toy you wanted.” 

   • Get them off of the top ropes by helping them through the big part of the emotion.  Being there for them and remaining calm, you will help them down off the big part of emotion (the high ropes).   

   • Now for landing the ‘leg drop’ on what is causing the emotion.  “You both want to play with that deflated ball” or “you are mad because Lil’ Suzy has a new best friend.”  This is required to move onto the next step. NOTE: As they get older it's likely that the conflict will have a few more layers you will need to dig through.  

2. Be Bob Saget…not Half Baked Bob….Full House Bob: Danny Tanner.  Help them be good communicators by teaching them how to communicate.  Suggest telling lil’ Suzy what they want or suggest they listen to lil’ Suzy’s desires at the moment.  And if lil’ Suzy doesn’t want to give that shit up right now, help them understand what that means.   

3. Flick That Lightbulb On - Ask them how they might resolve it on their own.  Kids like this autonomy; it’s good practice and self esteem building when they feel you trust them to problem solve on their own.  2 years and under won’t be able to do this (unless you have a lil’ genius) and in that case congrats to you!  Be patient. If they are struggling, toss out some ideas but let them decide which idea to go with.  It takes practice but you would be surprised…it works.  And if we start early…yes even at 18 months old. And give our kids a chance, especially at home with their siblings (where there is less pressure to jump in), we can make them champs.   

4. Model Conflict Resolving at Home - Be an example and show your kids how to handle conflict at home with your partner and even with your kids when you want them to do something but they just won’t budge.  Most times, looking at myself in the conflict-resolution-mirror can be both personally helpful and humbling.

Bonus Tip: This isn’t just for kids under 5.   These same 4 things can be used with older kids too.  The earlier you start, the less your child will need your help resolving more gnarly conflicts as they get older.  With older kids you should expect more from them.  Expect that they will be able to come up with ideas to resolve and that they communicate their wants and feelings.  Let them come up with the solutions without your help…sit back…your job is to validate and offer support in THEIR resolution process. 

Now let's get out of our kids' conflict ring and observe like a coach from the ropes….where we only get to check in and coach between rounds.  They won’t win every round but the more they spar the more likely they will become conflict champions.     

Here’s How You Can Help Your Kids Succeed

Do conversations with your kids ever go like this?

Me: How did your ski lessons go today?

Child: I can’t do it….I don’t want to go.

One of my biggest fears as a father is a child that gives up when things get tough.

Kids that learn to overcome the hard stuff are more confident and successful. While there isn’t always an obvious recipe to creating kids that push through…

Here are 4 things you can do to teach your kids to never give up and why this is so important…

It Starts With The Why: 

There is a four letter words that has been getting a whole lot of buzz in parenting circles and describes taking on life’s hard stuff…

$#it —--—————————————-----> Grit.

Grit is a bit like being up with a sick child all night and still going to work, cutting the grass and playing ball with your kid while you’re totally exhausted.

Angela Duckworth’s TED talk (with >26M views) defines Grit as:

Where passion and perseverance meet to achieve long term goals.

Ms. Duckworth is clear to point out that Grit is NOT: 

Natural Talent

Hotdog anyone?

Or 

Luck

phew….

Duckworth’s research showed that Grit had a higher correlation to success than natural talent or intelligence (her research followed West Point Cadets and National Spelling Bee Contestants).

Put more simply…. MORE GRIT = MORE SUCCESS. 

If the goal is to raise successful kids and grit is the way to achieve that goal…

Then how do we get grittier kids?

Here are the 4 ways to tackle grit:

1. Be Mufasa (from the Lion King)

2. Get Hyped About Real Learning  

3. You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?

4. Start With A Pillow Fort 

Be Mufasa (Demanding Yet Supportive)

Check out this clip of Mufasa giving a master class in being a dad (75secs).

Mufasa is a classic Authoritative style parent. This form of parenting is ideal for creating grit in kids. There is plenty of evidence to back that this style produces the best outcomes in children: 

“Studies have found that authoritative parents are more likely to raise confident kids who achieve academic success, have better social skills and are more capable at problem-solving.” (From Make It)

Now for a quick visual on Authoritative parenting, along with the other 3 styles.

Do Be: 

• Demanding set high expectations but support your kids to meet those expectations.  And have rules with natural consequences.  

Don’t Be: 

• Too Tough on yourself. It is hard to always ‘dad’ in the top right corner. We are playing the long game here and small adjustments over time lead to success.  

• Al Bundy from Married…with Children (Neglectful), Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny (Permissive) or Red Forman That 70s Show (Authoritarian).

Get Hyped About Real Learning  

There has been a lot written and researched about enjoying the process of learning (growth mindset) from uber intelligent people (Dr. Carol Dweck). This enjoyment in process of learning is one way to build grit.  

However, this isn’t the cram for a test kind of learning. 

That process that growth mindset people learn to enjoy goes something like this: 

Hit challenges -> get feedback->learn from failures and mistakes-> apply the learnings->achieve the goal.

We try to get our kids hyped and to love this process by doing these 5 things:

1. Help our kids see challenges as fun puzzles to solve.

2. Go all House of Pain “Jump Around” about failures (celebrate them) (see HiLoFunFailFav post).

3. Help your kids see their success not against their buddies but against their own progress.

4. Praise the hard work not the outcome - instead of saying “good job” when your kid gets an A on a test, praise all the time and effort they spent studying.

5. Start using the word ‘yet’ - “I can’t do the monkey bars”.  Our response: “You might not be able to do them ‘yet’ but if you keep trying you will.”  

You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?

No literally…if you were on fire what would you do?

Stop, Drop and Roll. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s this phrase and set of actions was drilled into our 5th grade brains.

I would argue that there is a more important 3 word phrase we should etch into our kids’ brains about the process of learning.

We teach our kids a simple and memorable way to think about learning and goal achieving….

We use Pause, Think and Re-Try (doesn’t quite roll off as smoothly as Stop, Drop and Roll). For another approach I like Ray Dalio’s learning loop from his book Principles.

Obstacles are a constant when setting goals. Once our kids hit an obstacle on their way to a goal we ask them to Pause.  We encourage them to Think about the reasons they hit an issue by asking ‘why’ and suggest they Think of ways they could Re-Try to overcome the barrier. And then Re-Try.  We encourage repeating until the goal is met. 

Start With A Pillow Fort

Your 4 year old is going to work towards different goals than your 10 year old.

Meet them where they are.  Start small.  

Let them feel the satisfaction of setting a goal, hitting an obstacle, pausing, thinking, re-trying and eventually achieving.  

This should be simple at first… like building a pillow fort.   

Let them build.  Watch as a pillow wall tumbles.  Ask them ‘what would you change so it doesn’t happen again?’ Let them try again.  Eventually they will get it. 

Without further ado, it’s time to get in the ring with those kiddos and get gritty.  With any amount of luck, you just might fail a little, which you now know is a good thing if you've been paying attention.

Contrary To Popular Belief Your Kids Shouldn’t Rule Your Life And It Starts With Sleep

Your sweet lil newborn has arrived!  

You are OOOOHing and AHHHing over your new addition as they peacefully rest all…day…long

But as soon as night hits…

Your sweet little peanut flips like a switch…

Under the cover of dark…

Your peaceful-sleep-all-day-baby turns into a CIA operative…

Trained in the art of enhanced interrogation…

Specialized in the tactic of sleep deprivation torture.  

Sleep deprivation is still an allowable interrogation tactic

And you get up for work the next morning feeling like something out of The Walking Dead

Spoiler… you don’t have to walk through the next 2 years of your child’s life feeling like a zombie.

With a little effort up front…

You can improve your baby’s development…

Get some sleep for yourself…

All while coaching your child to their first life lesson…learning independence.

Sleep training is often our first real ‘parenting’ effort.

But don’t go it alone. You will need a partner in this special op.

Start With Why: You want your baby to thrive

Sleep is important...not only for you but even more important for the development of your child.  Sleep is as critical as food to your baby’s development.  

Diplomacy tip:  Start With Why (ode to Simon Sinek). The above ‘Why’ + the research below = my wife onboard.  

NEWS FLASH: the research is in (by the Sleep Foundation here): 

“Sleep plays a crucial role in the development of young minds. In addition to having a direct effect on happiness, research shows that sleep impacts alertness and attention, cognitive performance, mood, resiliency, vocabulary acquisition, and learning and memory. Sleep also has important effects on growth, especially in early infancy.”

So how can you support your newborn to receive uninterrupted brain development all night long?  

And turn your sleep deprivation operative into a lil zen sleep buddha.

We followed the 12 Hours’ of Sleep by 12 Weeks Old written by Suzy Giordano method to achieve success for 2 out of 3 kids.  I will refer to it as 12x12 for brevity. 

Our stat line for both kids: 

• Hours: ~12 sweet uninterrupted hours…at night (varied 11 to 12.5 hrs)

• by about 14 weeks…not exactly 12 weeks but sure damn close. 

It made a world of a difference for our little nuggets and for my wife and I.  Remind me to tell you about the cry it out method we used for our oldest.  

The HOW of the 12x12:  

PRO TIP: make sure your partner is onboard to avoid getting your head lopped off and to increase your chances of success.  

PRO TIP Part Deux: Read the book before baby comes.  I am a super slow reader and it took me less than a week. Trust me you will want to prioritize this read.

Roughly 7 steps summarized below with more detailed summary here:

1. Put Eyes On It (0 to 8 weeks). Keep track of your baby’s sleeping and eating schedule

2. Jot it down. Keep a (eat and sleep) schedule of your lil’ nuggets natural rhythm

3. Trigger Alert! Feed 4 hrs apart.  Stretch out those feedings to 4 hrs apart for overnight success- Medical disclaimer: talk to your doc about this one

4. Bootcamp Starts. Mark your calendar Sleep Training Bootcamp at 8 weeks your peanut starts to get real with a schedule and you can start nudging them into your preferred sleep and eat schedule

5. Time to trim. Once that sweet lil’ pooper has their schedule dialed in, trim the number of nighttime feedings by slightly reducing the amount of food during those feedings. And you know what…the nighttime feeding will magically drop.

6. DO NOT rush in (pause for 3 - 5 minutes).  set your sweet pea down EXHAUSTED and milk drunk but NOT asleep. Try during nap time to start. Give them 3 to 5 minutes before waltzing in. This gives your lil’ monkey a chance to learn self soothing.

7. Go for GOLD.  Between week 10 and 14 bebe will drop the overnight feeding like it's hot. And then…your sugar sweet will be snug as a bug in a rug for +11 hours. This won’t be without a few wake ups. This is the parent training part…practice pausing…take a deep breath…allow your child to cry each time waiting 3 to 5 min. It gives them a chance to learn how to self-soothe. Repeat until your child learns to stay in the crib for +11 hours.

PRO TIP Part Tres: A 5 min pause can be HARDDDDD! Use your phone, set a timer and make sure you give your baby a chance.  Think about it this way…you are helping your child to learn their first lesson in independence…you are allowing them to learn to self soothe and put themselves to sleep. The short term pain is worth the lifetime gain.

After 12x12 you will be the envy of your friends.  They will want to know:

“how did you get your baby to sleep through the night at 3 months and achieve the enlightened zen sleep buddha status?”  

Your child’s development will thank you, 

Your Fitbit sleep score will thank you and 

Your relationship with your partner will thank you.   

The NO Pressure Art of Teaching Your Kids To Ride A Bike

When my dad taught me how to ride a bike, he had two things to say:

1. You will thank me later

2. I don’t care about what you “Feel”. I care about results.

His Methodology:

1. Buy me a new bike.

2. Take me to a bike path.

3. Hold me by the shoulders as I wobble down the trail.

The problem?

Every time he let go, I would put my foot down.

I was afraid to go on my own.

This is rational; falling down hurts.

He was patient with me at first.

He would tell me, “The faster you go, the easier it is!”

While this is literally true, this advice did not factor in the real fear I felt.

He grew impatient.

I could feel his frustration, which only added to my hesitation and fear.

I started to cry.

Now, I can recognize that I was crying because I felt like he wasn’t listening to me.

“Dad, I wanna go home”

His response:

“We can go home if you learn to ride your bike, or we can go home after you have fallen five times.”

The results:

Skinned knees.

Tears.

I left the trail defeated, now associating cycling with fear and pain.

I didn’t try to ride my bike again for a year.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

This isn’t about the training method I am going to share with you, but about what the spirit of it teaches us about being a loving coach.

The New Method:

1. Make sure the bike fits your kid properly. For this, that means adjusting the seat so that their feet sit flat on the ground.

2. Remove the pedals from the bike.

3. With the pedal-less bike, let the kid scoot around on their own. They will naturally become more confident on two wheels, and soon they will be ready for you to put the pedals back on.

This method does two things better:

1. Encourages our kids to gain confidence at their own pace.

2. Allows the experience to be pressure free: this isn’t a zero to a hundred process, but a gradual increase in skill.

I did learn how to ride my bike eventually. Alone, out in our quiet street. It was in this environment, free from my dad’s impatience, that I found the confidence to try again.

I’m not mad at him; I understand how pure his intentions were. He saw all the neighborhood kids riding, and knew that I would feel excluded If I didn’t learn.

In his zealousness to help me, he made something that should have been fun incredibly stressful.

We don’t have to parent like this.

By creating an environment in which learning a new skill is fun and gradual, our kids will be able to teach themselves.

Don’t put your hand on your kids shoulder, and then be frustrated when they miss your support.

Instead, give your kid the tools they need to teach themselves.

Soon, they will be asking you to put the pedals back on their bikes.