7 Parenting Tips From An FBI Top Hostage Negotiator
It was a disaster. Our worst dining experience as parents.
It also came at the tail end of a sugar loaded, sleep deprived 8 day vacation (it didn’t feel much like a vacation by the end).
Our six month old was fussy and ready for her long midday nap.
Our 4 year old was tormenting his sister and trying out some new “big kid” language he learned recently. And our middle daughter was responding predictably to his antics with lots of screaming.
The other diners looked on with pity.
On top of that, our server forgot to put in our order and the wait went from painful to excruciating (palm to face).
Although we may have looked calm on the outside, my wife and I were a storm of stress on the inside.
Once we finally made it home. And once the dust settled. We played back the events to understand what went wrong and what we could have done differently (like a coach watching his post game tape).
This was not just a normal loss. This was a blowout kind of loss. One that was so embarrassing it had us questioning everything.
We reflected on how we got to this and more importantly how we were going to move forward. It felt like more than just a bad day, it seemed to us that our whole family was in need of some drastic changes. And we realized that change needed to start with ourselves.
Our Research Converged
When my wife and I get stuck we like to read. My wife started reading ‘Raising Good Humans’ by Hunter Clarke Fields and I read a book about negotiating with terrorists.
Seriously, Chris Voss, former FBI Top International Hostage Negotiator, wrote the book ‘Never Split the Difference’ about what he learned by negotiating with terrorists and how it can be applied to any part of our lives…especially parenting.
Both had the same theme and came to the same conclusion.
Empathy (Ironic coming from an FBI tough guy).
Voss defines empathy as:
“paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.”
So here is what I learned.
NOTE: It can be applied to any human to human interaction. Like asking for a raise, overcoming a challenge on a team project or closing a deal.
1/ Slow it down
Ask How and What questions to slow things down.
Son: “I want the pastry!” (emotionally charged)
Me: “How am I supposed to do that?” (hopefully, in a calm and slow tone)
This moves the discussion with my son from the emotional part of his brain (amygdala) to the logical side of the brain (pre-frontal cortex). This slows it down because it takes him time to respond. Also giving me time.
2/ Understand the Need
Me: “It seems like you are hungry”
Son: “Yes”
Understanding my son’s true need. Sometimes this will take a few rounds to get to the actual need. Even guessing wrong is ok because it will cause him to clarify.
3/ Label the emotion
Me: “You sound upset that you can’t have the pastry, right now?”
Son: “No, I am mad I can’t have the pastry”
Note: Kids cry or lash out as an expression of an emotion they haven’t learned how to express quite yet. You can help them by labeling the emotion. This will give them a better awareness of their emotions. And eventually more control over their emotions.
4/ Mirror
Me: “You’re mad you can’t have the pastry right now?”
Son: “That’s right”
Playing back the last 1 to 3 words my son said helps create a connection. It creates a sort of synchronization according to Voss. With the goal of getting a “that’s right”, the ultimate confirmation.
We aren’t looking for “Yes” or “You’re Right” (so much more about this in his book and why these are false confirmations)
5/ Get to back to the Hows and Whats
Son: “I really want the pastry”
Me: “How am I supposed to do that, when we are going to eat dinner shortly?”
Son: “hmmm”
This encourages your child to be a part of the problem solving and be more bought into the solution.
6/ Use Silence (Pause)
Pause and give him a chance to respond. Don’t say anything and accept the silence.
7/ Repeat
They won’t get it on their first try and neither will you. That’s ok…
What I found is one of two things:
He gets worn down from trying to solve the hows and whats and ‘walks away from the deal’ (desire is no longer pressing)
He comes up with a solution that we led him to and meets both of our needs. By helping him understand his real need (hunger) he comes up with a better alternative (piece of fruit) to tie him over until dinner.
Either way he will feel heard and that he has the ability to help resolve differences. With enough reps both him and I should become empathy experts.
This real ‘dad’ scenario is an example of how I have applied these tactics to my willful son. According to Chris Voss (watch one of his videos) empathy applies to every situation in life.
My takeaway from Chris Voss’s book:
If Empathy can work with terrorists and bank robbers, it can work with anyone, in any situation, especially dadding.
Slow things down by engaging my kids in the problem solving by asking how and what questions
Label emotions and mirror. When kids feel heard and understood they feel a connection which builds trust.
Tone, it is more important how I say something than what I say. Use late night FM DJ voice or playful voice (even in tense situations).
Try not to let my emotions get into the discussion. Pause, for myself and deep breath to reset.
Ok…so we’re not perfect at the empathy thing yet. But my wife and I have been making an honest effort lately to try and understand our son's world. This doesn’t mean giving him everything he wants. But it does mean having some honest empathy for him when things aren’t going his way or when his emotions are getting the better of him. And what I’ve found is that yes, we still have bad days. But most days are feeling more like a game where we’re all on the same team and less like a hostage takeover.
