Let ’em Fight, Why Kids That Learn Conflict Thrive
Have you ever taken your kid to the park when your sweet child suddenly becomes a selfish monster trying to take another kids toy?
So what’s one to do? Jump in and referee? Turn your back? Munch on some popcorn and watch it all play out?
Note: If you have older kids….stay tuned because all still applies with one key point.
Let’s paint a scene that drives home a key point…
Lil’ Jimmy is bumbling from sandbox to swingset and his mom is on him like ‘white on rice’ (this is a dadism from my ‘OG’ father.)
Then lil’ Jimmy gets locked in…on a toy he wants…but…Lil’ Suzy is deep into play with that three-wheeled rusted ol’ dump truck.
My kids only want toys that other kids have. I am sure this could be a law of nature, as dependable as gravity.
Quickly, lil’ Jimmy’s mom becomes a hostage negotiator trying to talk lil’ Jimmy down. Usually what ensues are two kids, one or both in tears, because they are made to share with one another…by their parents.
We all have a bit of lil’ Jimmy’s mom in us. We are so worried that our own Lil’ Jimmy’s might offend another parent or god forbid take the toy from Suzy. It has become the norm for parents to step in and stop any conflict
I’ve got 3 “Lil’ Jimmys” at home and after seeing a LOT of toy conflicts, there’s a better way and here’s what you can do. Lets first start with why we need to remove ourselves from our kids’ squabbles.
The Why
As sure as death and taxes, conflict is a part of everyday life.
ONE. CONFLICT. AFTER. ANOTHER.
I can’t tweet a funny little dadding nugget without someone commenting “harmful.” People seem to be conflict illiterate these days; just scroll your favorite social app for a few minutes. YIKES! (have you SEEN the mysterious pink sauce debate?)
I bet if you stopped to think about your day you would agree it is littered with conflict: at home, on the road, at work, hell…even on the phone with your internet provider.
Now imagine a bunch of lil’ Jimmys, whose parents followed them around through childhood, resolving their conflicts for them.
Then these lil’ Jimmys grow up and find themselves in a world where even adults struggle to handle conflict…look out!
But I am here to tell you there is hope, and it starts with you and I.
We dads need to show our kids how to handle conflicts. We need to be active coaches. And give our kids the tools to resolve conflict safely and on their own.
You might be thinking:
“My kid is too immature to resolve conflict.”
Or
“I don’t want my kids to hurt anyone or be the playground bully.”
Good points.
And I agree. It is our job as dads to keep our kiddos and the other kids at the playground safe. So we should never let it get to fisticuffs.
Here are the four things you can do with your kids that will give them to tools to be conflict heavy weight champs.
NOTE: We try to make research more dad-like but if you’re interested, HERE is what the smart PhDs have to say about resolving conflict.
Wrestle…with feelings first. I know, I know. Gushy, gross feelings. But just like changing diapers…you gotta do it. Let's make it a little less gushy and gross. Accepting your kids' feelings. When your kids feel heard, they calm down and are more likely to listen. Here’s how to do that:
Give a high five to the emotion. No one can turn off emotions. The key is in how we handle them. So tell your child it is ok to be mad, angry, sad or whatever the current flavor is.
Tag them into their emotions by helping them name the feeling. “You sound like you’re mad,” or “You seem angry because you did not get that toy you wanted.”
Get them off of the top ropes by helping them through the big part of the emotion. Being there for them and remaining calm, you will help them down off the big part of emotion (the high ropes).
Now for landing the ‘leg drop’ on what is causing the emotion. “You both want to play with that deflated ball” or “you are mad because Lil’ Suzy has a new best friend.” This is required to move onto the next step. NOTE: As they get older it's likely that the conflict will have a few more layers you will need to dig through.
Be Bob Saget…not Half Baked Bob….Full House Bob: Danny Tanner. Help them be good communicators by teaching them how to communicate. Suggest telling lil’ Suzy what they want or suggest they listen to lil’ Suzy’s desires at the moment. And if lil’ Suzy doesn’t want to give that shit up right now, help them understand what that means.
Flick That Lightbulb On - Ask them how they might resolve it on their own. Kids like this autonomy; it’s good practice and self esteem building when they feel you trust them to problem solve on their own. 2 years and under won’t be able to do this (unless you have a lil’ genius) and in that case congrats to you! Be patient. If they are struggling, toss out some ideas but let them decide which idea to go with. It takes practice but you would be surprised…it works. And if we start early…yes even at 18 months old. And give our kids a chance, especially at home with their siblings (where there is less pressure to jump in), we can make them champs.
Model Conflict Resolving at Home - Be an example and show your kids how to handle conflict at home with your partner and even with your kids when you want them to do something but they just won’t budge. Most times, looking at myself in the conflict-resolution-mirror can be both personally helpful and humbling.
Bonus Tip: This isn’t just for kids under 5. These same 4 things can be used with older kids too. The earlier you start, the less your child will need your help resolving more gnarly conflicts as they get older. With older kids you should expect more from them. Expect that they will be able to come up with ideas to resolve and that they communicate their wants and feelings. Let them come up with the solutions without your help…sit back…your job is to validate and offer support in THEIR resolution process.
Now let's get out of our kids' conflict ring and observe like a coach from the ropes….where we only get to check in and coach between rounds. They won’t win every round but the more they spar the more likely they will become conflict champions.
