How to support your baby’s brain growth

Have you ever wondered how to raise a baby genius? 

When your child was a newborn, did you bask in the glory of comments like, “she’s so alert for her age!” 

Whether you admit it or not, we all secretly prize intelligence in our children from an early age.

Like every dad with their first baby, I gazed into the eyes of my sweet little nugget looking for signs of brilliance.

I convinced myself that our son had potential for greatness when he locked eyes with me as a newborn and smiled. 

Oh wait.  That was just gas.   

Nevertheless, I knew one of my most important jobs as a dad would be to nurture my child's growing brain as much as possible. 

So naturally I hit Google hard with the mission to throw some dollars at the right toys, books and gadgets. 

Anyone out there know “Baby Einstein” products?  Yeah…I do too.

After getting past the nervous jitters phase of first time parenting.

And upon shelling out some serious dough on eco-friendly, wooden, no light, no sound, no battery toys, I came to a thrilling conclusion…

While these gadgets do have some benefit, I discovered I already had the answer, no additional purchase required.  Thank goodness.

Disclaimer: this isn’t a technique that will help you raise MENSA certified geniuses.  That is just nature, not nurture.  This is rather about nurturing our kids to their fullest potential.  

The answer...Peekaboo. 

Disappointed?  Don’t be.  Read on.

A baby’s brain makes over 1 million neural connections EVERY SECOND.  The first 5 years of life are the most important (and fastest) phase of brain development. 

So how does peekaboo help?

The Answer: Serve And Return

It forms a SERVE and RETURN interaction between you and your baby, which turns out is just what your little one is craving.   

No, not a classic Agassi vs. Sampras match…

Serve and return is what science-y folks at Harvard say is the best way for parents to shape their child’s brain architecture (fancy word for building healthy brain development).

A baby’s brain is rapidly building connections (neural pathways).  These pathways control everything from our emotions to our decision making to how we think about the world.  

Healthy pathways are created or strengthened when your baby cries, babbles or reaches (the serve) and we engage (the return). The return might be making eye contact, giving a facial expression, talking, playing or laying on a hug.  

Now, we won’t always be perfect and sometimes our kids might send over an ace (we might miss the serve).  But in order to be active in your child’s brain development, we must try to return most of the serves (note to self…put the phone down).  

So how much should we be practicing serve and return? 

We must do this EARLY and OFTEN.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking damn I don’t do this enough with my baby. 

But hold on. 

You probably do without realizing it.  This doesn’t have to be perfect.  It really just requires that you be present with your child and soak up their adorable selves.

Molly (one of the youngest Ted speakers ever) notes, in her great Ted Talk, that games like copycat, naming and peekaboo build critical brain connections starting right out of the womb.  Supporting important  brain growth that will help our kids make friends, take tests, get jobs and one day be great parents.   

The challenge to us:  Be ready and present, put away our screens and engage on the court of child interaction.  Do this EARLY and OFTEN (as much as you can).  And remember the more SERVES we RETURN the more growth we will both experience.  And our children will thrive by five. 

The Best Trait For Kid’s Success AND You Can Do It In Your Backyard

Guess what?

Curiosity is essential to a kid’s growth. 

It is also the best predictor of future success…said a bunch of smart people.  

Beyond teaching them to not be afraid of everything, curious kids become kids with more scientific outlooks.

Basically, a curious kid is a kid who “seeks to fill knowledge gaps or uncertainty”.  

But, what does this mean? 

For a kid who seeks to fulfill knowledge gaps naturally, this mindset will encourage your kid to do what scientists do: Ask questions, and see if there are answers to these questions. 

Basically, this curious mindset is just a stellar pathway to fostering little scientists.

But how? 

Today, we are gonna present a two-step plan: Encourage, and Model Curiosity. 

Encourage Curiosity

This is your time to put “no stupid questions” into practice.

As this week's source points out, a kid whose questions aren’t explored will stop asking them. 

Which means,

If your kid asks a Q: have fun with it! 

If you don’t know, the answer, explore it with him…

BONUS: The now popular Sesame Street song “I Wonder, What If, Let’s Try.” is a simple framework to guide curiosity. 

This brings us to our next point:

Model Curiosity

Just like emotions, just like language: your kid will learn curiosity from you!

Example:

You guys are walking through a forest trail. 

Your daughter points to a bug:

Opportunity Alert!

You say to her, “I wonder why that bug is red?”

What if…together brainstorm as many “what ifs” as you can, before you reach for your phone…no wrong answers here.

Once you get home, you keep the curiosity alive.

At home, your dear friend google teaches you guys that the bug is red to signify to predators… 

“I'm poisonous! If you eat me …

Science.

Spark Notes

Encourage Curiosity: Always treat your kid's questions as worthy, and give them the time of day they deserve. 

Model Curiosity: Show your kid what a curious person looks like, and how a curious person follows up on their questions.

Your Challenge

If your kid has any curious questions this week, explore one of them with ridiculous depth. See just how far down the rabbit hole you can go.

Equally, try to model one curious question. See if you can ask a question that makes your kid so curious that THEY become the encourager in the duo.

Dads, Do This To Raise Badass Girls

Want to raise a badass daughter?

A daughter that isn't a helpless princess but is strong and independent?

I do!

I have two lovely daughters and want to raise them to be badasses (confident, fearless, and independent). 

I don't want lil' princesses waiting for some prince to come to save them. 

I want them to f@#k shit up! 

The Disney princess message isn't the best for our daughters (thankfully, Disney finally gets that). 

Here are eight things we dads can do to raise fiercely independent (badass) daughters who can conquer any life obstacle.  

NOTE: For this guide, I adapted a great piece by wicked smart parenting expert (Harvard trained) @KimmySWolfe. If you want to expand more on this topic, read more of her work here.

1/DON'T BE AFRAID OF "TABOO" TOPICS

"Great fathers touch on as many topics as possible with their daughters, even the uncomfortable ones."

"It's listening and sharing your viewpoints so that she feels loved, seen, and supported."

This will prepare her for tough conversations (personal or business) later in life. 

2/ FIND WAYS TO DO STUFF TOGETHER

Take time with your daughter. Ask her to join you on a trip to the hardware store. Read a book next to her while she is reading. Take a walk. Have a daddy/daughter date night. Just take time with her. 

3/ ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Use your own life experiences as opportunities to teach your girl how to handle situations. Our daughters will observe how we react. Model the behavior you want in your daughter. Modeling could look like how we deal with that car that just cut you off. Show her what it's like to be a good neighbor and a good husband. You will leave an imprint on her.    

4/ TREAT HER LIKE SHE'S THE HERO

Have high expectations. Show and tell your daughter she is strong, independent, and capable. Be her supporter, not her savior. Don't jump in to fix her problems (like a prince saving a princess). She can do it now; show her that by being her sideline coach and supporter.  

5/ USE A STORY

A story is the most powerful way to share values or learnings with our daughters. It will feel less like a lecture (how many times did you fall asleep during your first year in Chem101?). 

Melanie Green, a professor at the University at Buffalo states, "stories can alter broader attitudes — like our views on relationships, politics or the environment. Messages that feel like commands — even good advice… aren't always received well." 

A story conveys information in a relatable package… "the information will likely come across less like a lecture and more like a personal truth."

6/ CHUCK YOUR PHONE

Be present. When it is daddy/daughter time, don't let anything interrupt. Show her that she's important and your time together is precious by locking your phone away. One day your lil' girl will be tending to her family and responsibilities.  

7/ BE SPONTANEOUS 

Don't wait. For a weekend. A birthday. Be impromptu. Maybe even play hooky. Here's why playing hooky is a great idea

It will make the time together more memorable.  

8/ CHEER THE HARD WORK (not the outcome)

Don't celebrate the A+; rather, cheer all the hours she spent studying. Celebrating the hard work reinforces the independence and grit needed to be a badass.  

Dad Challenge

Pick one. Start today. Then build on what works. One day our daughters will thank us.

How A 5-Star Attitude Changed Parenting For Me

Ever get stressed by your kids? Like getting ready for bed or eating meals?

It sometimes causes me stress even before the struggle starts.  Just the pure anticipation of the battle that is about to ensue is enough to put me on edge.   

What if I told you I discovered that problem might not my kids’…and the opportunity might be something I have control over….my attitude. 

First, an unlikely story to drive home how attitude can change everything. 

A fitness trainer walks into a DMV.  

Shaan Puri from My First Million podcast tells a story about his fitness trainer (let's call him Guy) at the DMV.  

You know the place you go for car stuff (license and registration), wait in long lines, always smells like weed, and comes with a thick dose of attitude from everyone that works there.

Well, Guy decided to make this time different.  He decided he was going to make his DMV visit a  5-star experience by acting like a 5-star customer. Here’s how:

He went in like he was going to a friend's party.

Held the door for another customer.

He cracked a quip with the first employee he saw and joked “now who is the best person to get me out of here quickly?”

Instead of telling him to get in line like everyone else she said “come over here, I will take care of you” cutting the line completely.

He complimented her outfit and she suggested he could come to see her any time he needed something from the DMV.

His 5-star attitude turned a dreaded DMV visit into a 5-star experience.

What does a DMV story have to do with dadding?

I’ve been working on being a 5-star dad with my kids.  It actually works. 

Instead of bracing for impact, I’ve learned that loosening up helps change the game. 

I found that being light and a little loose helps me better connect with my little kiddos.  Using games, stories or just a fun attitude helps us all make it through those tough transitions.

So try it…put on that going-to-a-friend’s party self and make your kids' bedtime, dinner, or teeth brushing a little special.

See if a 5-star attitude helps everyone loosen up rather than brace for impact. 

7 Parenting Tips From An FBI Top Hostage Negotiator

It was a disaster.  Our worst dining experience as parents. 

It also came at the tail end of a sugar loaded, sleep deprived 8 day vacation (it didn’t feel much like a vacation by the end).  

Our six month old was fussy and ready for her long midday nap.

Our 4 year old  was tormenting his sister and trying out some new “big kid” language he learned recently.  And our middle daughter was responding predictably to his antics with lots of screaming.

The other diners looked on with pity.

On top of that, our server forgot to put in our order and the wait went from painful to excruciating (palm to face).

Although we may have looked calm on the outside, my wife and I were a storm of stress on the inside.  

Once we finally made it home.  And once the dust settled.  We played back the events to understand what went wrong and what we could have done differently (like a coach watching his post game tape).

This was not just a normal loss. This was a blowout kind of loss.  One that was so embarrassing it had us questioning everything. 

We reflected on how we got to this and more importantly how we were going to move forward.  It felt like more than just a bad day, it seemed to us that our whole family was in need of some drastic changes.  And we realized that change needed to start with ourselves.

Our Research Converged

When my wife and I get stuck we like to read.  My wife started reading ‘Raising Good Humans’ by Hunter Clarke Fields and I read a book about negotiating with terrorists.

Seriously, Chris Voss, former FBI Top International Hostage Negotiator, wrote the book ‘Never Split the Difference’ about what he learned by negotiating with terrorists and how it can be applied to any part of our lives…especially parenting.  

Both had the same theme and came to the same conclusion.  

Empathy (Ironic coming from an FBI tough guy).     

Voss defines empathy as:

“paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.” 

So here is what I learned.  

NOTE: It can be applied to any human to human interaction.  Like asking for a raise, overcoming a challenge on a team project or closing a deal. 

1/ Slow it down

Ask How and What questions to slow things down.   

Son: “I want the pastry!” (emotionally charged)

Me: “How am I supposed to do that?”  (hopefully, in a calm and slow tone)

This moves the discussion with my son from the emotional part of his brain (amygdala) to the logical side of the brain (pre-frontal cortex).  This slows it down because it takes him time to respond.  Also giving me time. 

2/ Understand the Need

Me: “It seems like you are hungry”

Son: “Yes”

Understanding my son’s true need.  Sometimes this will take a few rounds to get to the actual need.   Even guessing wrong is ok because it will cause him to clarify.

3/ Label the emotion

Me: “You sound upset that you can’t have the pastry, right now?”

Son: “No, I am mad I can’t have the pastry”

Note: Kids cry or lash out as an expression of an emotion they haven’t learned how to express quite yet.  You can help them by labeling the emotion.  This will give them a better awareness of their emotions.  And eventually more control over their emotions.

4/ Mirror 

Me: “You’re mad you can’t have the pastry right now?” 

Son: “That’s right”

Playing back the last 1 to 3 words my son said helps create a connection.  It creates a sort of synchronization according to Voss.  With the goal of getting a “that’s right”, the ultimate confirmation.

We aren’t looking for “Yes” or “You’re Right” (so much more about this in his book and why these are false confirmations)  

5/ Get to back to the Hows and Whats

Son: “I really want the pastry”

Me: “How am I supposed to do that, when we are going to eat dinner shortly?”

Son: “hmmm”

This encourages your child to be a part of the problem solving and be more bought into the solution.

6/ Use Silence (Pause)

Pause and give him a chance to respond.  Don’t say anything and accept the silence. 

7/ Repeat 

They won’t get it on their first try and neither will you.  That’s ok…

What I found is one of two things:

1. He gets worn down from trying to solve the hows and whats and ‘walks away from the deal’ (desire is no longer pressing)

2. He comes up with a solution that we led him to and meets both of our needs.  By helping him understand his real need (hunger) he comes up with a better alternative (piece of fruit) to tie him over until dinner.  

Either way he will feel heard and that he has the ability to help resolve differences.  With enough reps both him and I should become empathy experts.    

This real ‘dad’ scenario is an example of how I have applied these tactics to my willful son.  According to Chris Voss (watch one of his videos) empathy applies to every situation in life. 

My takeaway from Chris Voss’s book:

1. If Empathy can work with terrorists and bank robbers, it can work with anyone, in any situation, especially dadding. 

2. Slow things down by engaging my kids in the problem solving by asking how and what questions

3. Label emotions and mirror. When kids feel heard and understood they feel a connection which builds trust.

4. Tone, it is more important how I say something than what I say.  Use late night FM DJ voice or playful voice (even in tense situations).   

5. Try not to let my emotions get into the discussion.  Pause, for myself and deep breath to reset. 

Ok…so we’re not perfect at the empathy thing yet.  But my wife and I have been making an honest effort lately to try and understand our son's world.  This doesn’t mean giving him everything he wants.  But it does mean having some honest empathy for him when things aren’t going his way or when his emotions are getting the better of him.  And what I’ve found is that yes, we still have bad days.  But most days are feeling more like a game where we’re all on the same team and less like a hostage takeover.

Why You Need To Invent Your Own Family Rituals

Think about Christmas time as a kid: what do you remember most?

It’s not the big things, but the little rituals that made it unique. 

For example, maybe your family always opened a single present on Christmas eve.

Maybe your Dad would allow you to take a sip of his Miller High Life each Christmas….

It doesn’t matter!

In short, rituals are the seasoning that gives your family its unique flavor!

(Being corny is one of my daily rituals)

Most Americans celebrate Christmas, but only your family celebrates it in your own special way.

So, What Makes A Ritual Special, Anyways? 

What makes a ritual special is its separation from normal life. 

THAT is the most important part!

For your family ritual’s to really be impactful, they should be a break from what your family does normally.

Example: 

You are a family which allows ZERO processed, sugary foods in the house. 

Every spring break, the whole family has a movie night. You guys go to the grocery store together first, and each kid/parent gets to pick out two of the most unhealthy snacks that their heart desires.

What This Does For Your Family

Trust me, if you are a family of health nuts, this annual lapse in judgment will be met with huge anticipation! 

Oftentimes, the best rituals are a little bit naughty. That’s why you remember that sip of beer your dad allowed you each Christmas: it was a break from the norm. 

Family rituals are an amazing way to build a sense of identity for your family. 

By inventing your own, your kid's childhood experience will be totally unique.

Think about it like this: the best rituals are the ones your kids will brag about to their friends at school.

That’s the Dadding challenge for today:

Think up a family ritual you can do that will make your kids so happy, they are gonna brag about it to their friends at school. 

Just 5 Mins of This Can Boost Your Body’s Natural Drug

It’s no secret that we Americans spend a lot of time indoors…

Look at this eye-opening statistic from the EPA: 

“Americans, on average, spend approximately 90 percent of their time indoors.” 

This isn’t our fault. 

Some of us live way up north, where a leisurely lunchtime stroll is practically torture half of the year.

For the rest of us, we are busy!

That, combined with a national infrastructure built for cars means that here in the states, we must make a concerted effort to go walking. 

But, what are the benefits…

The Benefits

To start, a daily walk of any sort is an excellent way to keep the blood flowing. 

Second, let’s look at our homie Vitamin D: a daily walk outside gives us enough Vitamin D to help fight depression and even some forms of cancer.

Here is a quote from Lisa Nisbet, a professor of Psychology at Trent University: 

“Generally the research tells us that when people are exposed to the natural environment and natural features, they tend to have a reduced stress response. When you are out in nature you have lower blood pressure, better heart rate variability, better mood”

Finally, it boosts our body’s natural drug, Serotonin, which has heaps of benefits (make you feel good and sleep better).

How To Get Your Nature Boost ASAP

In all of the previous research, if you dig deep, you will notice that these studies are based on more prolonged periods of exposure to nature: One Hour, 30 Minutes, etc…

What if I told you 5 minutes was you all needed to get most of the benefits?

In a study by Jo Barton at the University of Essex, the vast majority of benefits received from time spent in nature happen in the first five minutes.

And this includes urban nature like parks also! 

So, what does this mean for you, busy dad?

If you want to receive the multitude of benefits of time spent in nature, but don’t know where to start, give yourself five minutes a day! 

Or, if you are already a nature lover, but don’t have time that day for a huge hike, know that popping outside for 5 minutes is way better than nothing…

Go look at a tree or something, man! 

Box Breathing Is As Good As Meds

One of our guiding principles is to make vague ideas clear and practical.

With that in mind, one of the most frustratingly vague topics in the “self-care” category is meditation. 

What is it? How does a normal dude do it?

We’ve written about it here. 

But, for this article, we want to focus on one specific breathing technique:

Box Breathing: As Good As Meds

Box Breathing is a breathing technique that science shows reduces cortisol,  our bodies’ primary stress hormone.

This study found many potential benefits: a possible non-drug treatment for mental illness. A practical tool to cope with job burnout.  And as good as meds to cut blood pressure. 

Breathing techniques like this are already in widespread clinical use in treating PTSD.

If you want to read the science for yourself, click here

Otherwise, all you gotta know is that this shit works! 

So, How Do I Do it? 

Ok, this is incredibly complicated, so pull out that Moleskine you never use! 

Just kidding. 

First, let’s use a visual — a box.  

A box has four sides, representing the four equal (4 seconds long) steps of the technique

Breath In 

4 seconds of inhaling through your nose. Focus on filling the bottom of your belly with breath.

Hold

4 seconds of holding your breath.

Breath Out

4 seconds of exhaling forcefully from your mouth. Purse your lips, and make a wooshing sound as you exhale.

Hold

4 seconds of holding your breath out. 

Start over

Other Notes

For this technique, you can quietly count in your head.

If you prefer external help, you can use a guided mediation app like Insight Timer to count for you. (Not an ad, just a good app!)

Think of the entire box breathing sequence like a Set in the gym.

However many sets you want to do is up to you.

As you get used to it, you can adjust the number of sets to your stress levels.

Your homework: 

Try a set of 10 to start! 

For context: that adds up to less than 3 minutes (160 secs).

You have three minutes each day to lower your stress.

Do it. You deserve it.

P.S. I like to do this midday Monday through Friday. It’s as refreshing as closing all my browser tabs and starting all over.

How To Make Your Kid’s Book Learnin’ Geniuses

We all want our kids to be little geniuses. 

The problem?

There is simply too much conflicting information surrounding the topic. 

Thus, we aren’t going to focus on giving you an overview of every possible technique for making little geniuses.

Instead, we are going to focus on one thing that has been proven to be beneficial to your children’s cognitive growth: Story Time. 

More importantly, we will give you our adaptation of the method developed by The Stony Brook Reading and Language Project to ensure your readings have the maximum cognitive benefits. 

But we are gonna change it up to make it less, Uhmmm, science-y. If you want to read about their method, click here.

Otherwise, read along for our SparkNotes. 

The Ask And Repeat Method

“And then Moe gave me a hyuuuuuuuuge beer…”

Not all stories are created equal. 

While reading to your kid is always good, to get the most benefit from storytime, we would like to introduce you to a technique that encourages your kids to become the storyteller themselves. 

This is not a listening exercise, but a conversation!

Here are the steps. Don’t worry, an example ahead!

Also, yes, we know we don’t have a catchy acronym. Just remember to Ask and Repeat, and treat these steps as a loose guideline. 

Ask

Ask your child a question about the story. 

Review

Review your child’s response. 

This will shape your response in the next section.

Add To

Here, ask your child another questions about the story.

Repeat

Have your child repeat your ‘add’.

An Example of Ask And Repeat!

You’re reading a book about cats and their varied emotional states.

In the book, there is a photo of a cat looking incredibly sad.

Ask (a question):

You: What’s in this photo?

Kid: “A cat”

Size Up:

You: Yes, my kid is correct! Wow, we’ve got a genius on our hands.

Add To:

“Yes, you identified it’s a cat! What do you notice about that cat?”. They might say “it looks sad” or “it’s white”.

Repeat:

“Can you say that’s a sad, white cat?”

“It’s a sad, white cat, dad!”

The Benefits Of Ask and Repeat Reading

Do not fear the large-headed child(he is learning)

The most obvious: by making reading an interactive experience, your kid will have more fun, and be more engaged.

While your kid is engaged, they are learning two important things: Vocab, and how to interact with a story.

The vocab aspect is obvious: as they expand their answer or you might need to introduce new words.

The other aspect is less obvious: by having a conversation with them about the book, you are teaching them how to think critically about a book. 

Look. This isn’t some hair-brained idea we invented. 

This is hard science that we’ve adapted to make it easier to understand and implement.

So.

Make Story Time

1.  More Fun  

2. More Beneficial to their little noggins.

Go make a little Jimmy Neutron!

This Can Be Your Secret Weapon

Does this thought sound familiar? 

I NEED to start reading.

Maybe you order a new WW2 history book on amazon. 

You get 50 pages in and feel totally engrossed.

You are learning everything you ever wanted to know about the allied invasion of Normandy.

But… you stop reading (and feel guilty about it).

Why? Why Do You Feel Guilty?

You feel guilty because you believe reading has a certain special power for learning that you are missing out on. 

Good news. We don’t believe that is true.  

Audiobooks: A New Form Of The Oldest Technology

Look, OBVIOUSLY it is awesome to sit down and read a book.

But, did you ever consider that it’s not the only way to do deep learning? 

Let’s take a step back. 

A big step back.

In the Phaedrus, Plato warns about the DANGERS of the new-fangled invention of reading, saying:

"For this invention will produce forgetfulness in the minds of those who learn to use it, because they will not practice their memory.”

For Plato, books were going to have a negative impact on the art of listening and oral communication. 

I quote Plato here to make only one simple point: the written word is not the ONLY way to learn important things. 

The printing press was the tech that allowed us non-elites to read books. 

But. 

Guess why your Grandpa didn’t listen to audiobooks?

He couldn’t! 

Simply put, Audiobooks are a new technology, and one we should utilize to be able to learn wherever we want!

How Audiobooks Can Make Reading Practical

I don’t need to tell you that dads are busy creatures.

With that, it’s often impossible to take an hour of each day to sit down, scotch in hand, and ponder a great tome. 

Here is where audiobooks come in.

What if you could read while doing the dishes?

While on a walk?

While on a run?

You can with audiobooks!

Now, you might be thinking:

But that’s not the best way to learn. You aren’t fully focused, etc…

Yup. That’s true.

But our goal with this newsletter is improvement, not perfection. 

and guess what?

If you are reading ZERO books per month, and audiobooks bring that number up to ONE per month?

That is a 100% perfect increase in your book readin’ numbers. 

And more, listening to an audiobook while doing mindless tasks is both fun, and sustainable.

And sustainable changes = changes that stick around to change YOU!

Your Homework

Find an audiobook of something that sounds super interesting to you.

Audiobook Ideas: The history of a topic you want to know more about. The Autobiography of a person you deeply admire. A parenting book you’ve heard great things about.

Download it onto your phone. Make it as easy as possible for yourself to press play.

Listen to it when you are doing something mindless. Fall asleep to it. 

Don’t make this hard! 

Make consuming this book fun and easy. This is not a task like the dishes, but another source of entertainment. 

Given time, your audiobook habit could be the source of passive knowledge acquisition. 

Keep it simple, stupid! Go listen! 

You might learn something. 

How Gratitude Changes Your Brain and Relationships

If you are not a busy person, congratulations!

For the rest of us stuck on planet Earth:

Life is a GRIND sometimes. And with that,

We lose track of what is REALLY important.

Our families.

A gratitude list is a way to realign and recenter our mindset.

So, What Is A Gratitude List?

Exactly what it sounds like…

Every day, you take 5-10 minutes to sit down and write out everything you are grateful for.

Nothing is too small. 

Rather, it can be an incredibly humbling experience to start small.

For example:

Write out: I am thankful to have a warm home.

And afterwards, try to remember why you were so mad at your wife for forgetting to wash your underwear. 

Not impossible to still be mad… Just a lot harder. 

A Long-term Shift in Mindset

*Galaxy Brain Mindset Not Included With Newsletter

With time, you will begin to be able to reframe difficulties in your life as blessings or opportunities. 

Example: 

“I hate losing weight, it’s so hard” 

can shift into:

“I am grateful I have the opportunity to take control of my health.”

Improved Prioritization

As you continue to write your lists, it will start to become abundantly clear what in your life is most important, and what you should spend your energy pursuing. 

Family Time

I can promise you this: unless you are an evil freak, a daily gratitude list will make you more patient with your family! They will notice it, even if you don’t tell them about your list.

How To Start One 

Don’t overthink this, 

This isn’t rocket science.

Write this from the heart!

If it is easier, write it in bullet points.

Give yourself 5 minutes. If you want to go longer, do it!

If you are having difficulties, push through for that five minutes!

Don’t worry about finding the perfect thing to be grateful for.

As you continue to expand your gratitude practice, the trends will appear automatically.

Remember: this is for yourself! Nobody else is going to read this.

This is a place to be vulnerable, and remind yourself what amazing things you have in your life.

P.S. Oh by the way if you are like me and your life lives on your phone (can’t find a pen and paper) here’s a quick start…I use gratitude journal app(again not an Ad, just a fan).

P.S.S Research shows there might be an even more effective gratitude practice (an action repeated, to create a habit) using the power of story (~1.5hr podcast).

How To Date Your Partner

This isn’t about sex.

But: 

If you feel that that part of your marriage is lacking, take a step back.

What are you doing to make your wife/partner feel special? Loved? Doted on?

It can be easy to forget the need to take special moments for keeping romance, well, romance-y.

For this, we are focusing on a few easy things you can do to date your wife/partner again. 

Skip The Fancy Meal

A Rage Room is basically 10 years of  marriage counseling in one hour

The date night that has been programmed into us is the:

Movie-Dinner-Maybe-Sex-Probably-Sleep pipeline.

And as you date longer, it becomes increasingly difficult to imagine any other date.

It’s easy. You guys are hungry. 

It’s also repetitive. 

And Uninspired. 

And won’t feel special if it’s the only activity you guys do besides parenting.

So, take your partner ax-throwing. Or on a hike. Or to the aquarium. Or have a picnic. Or or or… you get the point! Anywhere that is not the same restaurant you hit once a month. 

But, when you do go out for your next dinner,

Make A Concerted Effort To Listen On Your Dates 

Yes, babe, the Ear Trumpet is necessary

Do you ever see two people out at a restaurant and instantly think:

Wow, that is DEFINITELY a first date.

The focus on listening is uncompromised. 

Borderline psychotic.

The guy is matching his bites up to hers, hiding his inner desire to annihilate the plate.

Thankfully, that ship has fully sailed for us married folk.

But!

It’s the thought that counts.

That undivided attention tells the other person one thing: 

You are special, and I care about you. 

Bring some of that first-date energy to your next dinner.

Make a Gratitude List

Thanks, Wikihow 

Listen.

As our lives get increasingly complicated, it is easy to let resentment build. 

Sadly, it is far too easy to live a life focused on troubles and daily difficulties.

It doesn’t matter if you are religious or not, taking time out of your day to write down what you are grateful for is amazing.

And, it is one surefire way to be able to appreciate all the things you love about your life.

And your partner. 

Which will make it soooooo much easier to get romantic-y. 

And feel, even for a moment, back in the honeymoon stage. 

How To Start Taking Time For Yourself (Even If You Feel Guilty About It)

The cycle: we are slammed with work, kept perpetually busy with our kids and trying our best to get adequate sleep. 

In all of this, we allow self-care to fall into the “I’ll take care of that later” category.

The problem: we feel burned out, irritated and generally stretched thin. 

We might act out at ourselves, at work, or worst, at our families. 

The dilemma: we do not have time for ourselves. 

What we tell ourselves: I am going to start taking some time for myself soon.

The science: in a meta-analysis of 111 studies, scientists found a strong correlation between mental well-being and work performance.

What this means: by neglecting your self-care, you are hurting your productivity, perpetuating the cycle of burnout. 

Change Your Perception Of Self-Care

DEFINITELY self-care

With media, we are shown one ideal of self-care: Green-juice in the morning, yoga, meditation, etc…

While all of this stuff can be good(here is our guide to meditation), 

This isn’t the only way!

Actually, there isn’t a single way. 

For this article, our definition of self-care is any activity that invigorates you, calms you, or leaves you feeling recharged.

Abandon All-Or-Nothing Thinking

Thought this summed it up nicely…

All-or-Nothing thinking is how we got here:

I don't have the energy to go for a run, so I won’t do anything physical. 

I can’t sit still for 20 minutes, so I won’t try to meditate at all. 

I don’t have time to read a book, so I’ll just doomscroll Facebook.

The Solution: Integration

If you find yourself thinking like this, check yo’self!

The biggest mistake with All-or-Nothing thinking is the way it sets up self-care as being distinct from your “normal” life.

In reality, the most sustainable way to change your life, and make a real change, is to slowly integrate self-care into your life.

If All-or-Nothing dad says “I don’t have time to read AND exercise, so I’ll just do nothing”.  

We say: “To start reading, I am going to start listening to audiobooks while I take a jog”. 

Another example: riding my bike invigorates me. Even though I don’t have time to go on a two-hour ride, I am going to make an effort to take a 15-minute ride each night. 

Your Homework

Thank you Shutterstock child

If the science confirms that there is a correlation between self-care and work performance, you are in fact harming your productivity by not making time.

If we defined self-care as anything that invigorates, calms, or leaves you feeling recharged, that leaves the field open for you to try it.

Our challenge: Each day this week, do one daily small & meaningful act of self-care.

There is no time constraint: 5 minutes each day is infinitely better than 0 minutes each day. 

You deserve it

So does your family. 

If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you aren’t fully able to take care of your family. 

Without self-care, you are not operating at your fullest potential. 

Let ’em Fight, Why Kids That Learn Conflict Thrive

Have you ever taken your kid to the park when your sweet child suddenly becomes a selfish monster trying to take another kids toy?  

So what’s one to do?  Jump in and referee?  Turn your back?  Munch on some popcorn and watch it all play out?

Note: If you have older kids….stay tuned because all still applies with one key point.

Let’s paint a scene that drives home a key point…

Lil’ Jimmy is bumbling from sandbox to swingset and his mom is on him like ‘white on rice’ (this is a dadism from my ‘OG’ father.)

Then lil’ Jimmy gets locked in…on a toy he wants…but…Lil’ Suzy is deep into play with that three-wheeled rusted ol’ dump truck.  

My kids only want toys that other kids have.  I am sure this could be a law of nature, as dependable as gravity.  

Quickly, lil’ Jimmy’s mom becomes a hostage negotiator trying to talk lil’ Jimmy down.  Usually what ensues are two kids, one or both in tears, because they are made to share with one another…by their parents.

We all have a bit of lil’ Jimmy’s mom in us.  We are so worried that our own Lil’ Jimmy’s might offend another parent or god forbid take the toy from Suzy.  It has become the norm for parents to step in and stop any conflict

I’ve got 3 “Lil’ Jimmys” at home and after seeing a LOT of toy conflicts, there’s a better way and here’s what you can do.  Lets first start with why we need to remove ourselves from our kids’ squabbles.

The Why

As sure as death and taxes, conflict is a part of everyday life.  

ONE. CONFLICT. AFTER. ANOTHER.

I can’t tweet a funny little dadding nugget without someone commenting “harmful.”  People seem to be conflict illiterate these days; just scroll your favorite social app for a few minutes.  YIKES! (have you SEEN the mysterious pink sauce debate?)

I bet if you stopped to think about your day you would agree it is littered with conflict:  at home, on the road, at work, hell…even on the phone with your internet provider. 

Now imagine a bunch of lil’ Jimmys, whose parents followed them around through childhood, resolving their conflicts for them. 

Then these lil’ Jimmys grow up and find themselves in a world where even adults struggle to handle conflict…look out!

But I am here to tell you there is hope, and it starts with you and I. 

We dads need to show our kids how to handle conflicts. We need to be active coaches. And give our kids the tools to resolve conflict safely and on their own. 

You might be thinking:

 “My kid is too immature to resolve conflict.”

Or 

“I don’t want my kids to hurt anyone or be the playground bully.”  

Good points.

And I agree.  It is our job as dads to keep our kiddos and the other kids at the playground safe.  So we should never let it get to fisticuffs.

Here are the four things you can do with your kids that will give them to tools to be conflict heavy weight champs.  

NOTE: We try to make research more dad-like but if you’re interested, HERE is what the smart PhDs have to say about resolving conflict.

1. Wrestle…with feelings first.  I know, I know.  Gushy, gross feelings.  But just like changing diapers…you gotta do it.  Let's make it a little less gushy and gross. Accepting your kids' feelings.  When your kids feel heard, they calm down and are more likely to listen.  Here’s how to do that:

   • Give a high five to the emotion.  No one can turn off emotions. The key is in how we handle them.  So tell your child it is ok to be mad, angry, sad or whatever the current flavor is.  

   • Tag them into their emotions by helping them name the feeling. “You sound like you’re mad,” or “You seem angry because you did not get that toy you wanted.” 

   • Get them off of the top ropes by helping them through the big part of the emotion.  Being there for them and remaining calm, you will help them down off the big part of emotion (the high ropes).   

   • Now for landing the ‘leg drop’ on what is causing the emotion.  “You both want to play with that deflated ball” or “you are mad because Lil’ Suzy has a new best friend.”  This is required to move onto the next step. NOTE: As they get older it's likely that the conflict will have a few more layers you will need to dig through.  

2. Be Bob Saget…not Half Baked Bob….Full House Bob: Danny Tanner.  Help them be good communicators by teaching them how to communicate.  Suggest telling lil’ Suzy what they want or suggest they listen to lil’ Suzy’s desires at the moment.  And if lil’ Suzy doesn’t want to give that shit up right now, help them understand what that means.   

3. Flick That Lightbulb On - Ask them how they might resolve it on their own.  Kids like this autonomy; it’s good practice and self esteem building when they feel you trust them to problem solve on their own.  2 years and under won’t be able to do this (unless you have a lil’ genius) and in that case congrats to you!  Be patient. If they are struggling, toss out some ideas but let them decide which idea to go with.  It takes practice but you would be surprised…it works.  And if we start early…yes even at 18 months old. And give our kids a chance, especially at home with their siblings (where there is less pressure to jump in), we can make them champs.   

4. Model Conflict Resolving at Home - Be an example and show your kids how to handle conflict at home with your partner and even with your kids when you want them to do something but they just won’t budge.  Most times, looking at myself in the conflict-resolution-mirror can be both personally helpful and humbling.

Bonus Tip: This isn’t just for kids under 5.   These same 4 things can be used with older kids too.  The earlier you start, the less your child will need your help resolving more gnarly conflicts as they get older.  With older kids you should expect more from them.  Expect that they will be able to come up with ideas to resolve and that they communicate their wants and feelings.  Let them come up with the solutions without your help…sit back…your job is to validate and offer support in THEIR resolution process. 

Now let's get out of our kids' conflict ring and observe like a coach from the ropes….where we only get to check in and coach between rounds.  They won’t win every round but the more they spar the more likely they will become conflict champions.     

How To Be The Present Dad Your Kids Deserve

Mmmmmm….family time…..

We live in a world of distractions. 

Whether it be the news, our phones, the confluence of the two: it is hard to live in the moment.

So then, how can we be present in a world designed to keep us occupied?

There isn’t one simple answer. Instead, we are going to give you three techniques you can implement in your life to make being present easier.

Schedule Time For Nothing

Look how easy it is for you to honor a pointless work meeting.

Instead of thinking, “God, I need time to hangout with my kids”

Make time. Literally. In your calendar. To do nothing.

Honor it, like you honor the utterly pointless weekly “Check In” with the boss.

Time with your kids doesn’t need to be an epic disney trip.

They will sense your presence. 

Just don’t use your phone. 

Which brings me to my next point…

Make A Clear Distinction Between Work And Family Time

Screw it… I guess this post is Homer-themed

For a lot of us, COVID has destroyed the separation of work and home.

Partly, this has been awesome!

More time at home = more time proximate to our families.

I used proximate in the last sentence to make a point; while we might be literally closer to them, work drives a necessary, but distinct wedge between us and them. 

All of this to say: When you are working, work. When you are done working, be present. 

I promise you, that email is not life or death.

Take Time For Yourself

This seems counterintuitive: we are talking about being present with our kids. 

What do I gotta do with it?

Listen. A dad needs time for himself to recharge his batteries.

This doesn’t have to be an elaborate hobby, or a three-hour procedure.

You just need time to connect with your own emotions. (Mediation is perfect for this).

Without this, you are doomed to face burnout. 

And stress.

And that constant feeling of “forgetting something”.

Which all are states of mind that make being present nearly impossible. 

You can’t be a present dad if you are absent in your own life.

Lose That Beer Gut (While Still Drinking Beer)

Duff Not Included

Before you read further: This is not a life-hack. 

Sadly, the science of weight-loss is simple: if you consume more calories than you expend, you gain weight.

The inverse then is also true: to lose weight, you simply must consume less calories than you expend. 

Ok, ok. So what are we talkin’ about?

Keto? Paleo?

Nope.

Those can also be effective, but for this article, we are focusing on a method, not a diet. 

The Method?

Intermittent Fasting

To the unfamiliar, intermittent fasting is simply a restriction of the times each day you eat food. 

A common example: the 16:8 fast.

The Method:

For 16 hours each day, you eat/drink nothing caloric. 

For 8 Hours each day, you eat/drink your daily requirements.

There is a simple free app that does the math for you.

Example:

John eats his first meal at 12:00PM. 

He eats a small snack at 4PM.

At 7PM, John eats his dinner, and then fasts until 12:00PM the next day. 

It is that simple. 

How It Works:

To start, what makes this approach viable for losing weight is how easy it is. 
Unlike a restrictive diet like Keto, the only thing you need to change is the time frames in which you eat.

Further, by restricting your time frame of consumption, you allow your body to switch from burning your sugar stores into your fat stores, a process called “Metabolic Switching”.

As Mark Mattson, a neuroscientist at John Hopkins puts it: 

“If someone is eating three meals a day, plus snacks, and they’re not exercising, then every time they eat, they’re running on those calories and not burning their fat stores.”

Beyond this, one of Mattson’s recent studies in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that 

“ Things happen during intermittent fasting that can protect organs against chronic diseases like type 2 diabetes, heart disease, age-related neurodegenerative disorders, even inflammatory bowel disease and many cancers.” 

A Simpler Reason It Works

Stock image guy is trying IF…

Less time spent snacking +

Fewer meals +

Zero full-calorie pops for breakfast =

Less calories entering your stomach. 

Of course, calories are not the only determinant of health. 

But we aren’t talkin’ health.

We are talkin’ about one thing: Losing Weight.

I also found the added benefit of making me a clearer thinker in the morning. And it has helped me avoid the post lunch crash because I am more thoughtful about what I eat for lunch (my first meal of the day).

So want to lose weight? Want to still drink carbalicious beer? Tired of your wife’s Keto farts?

Try Fasting. 

Here’s How You Can Help Your Kids Succeed

Do conversations with your kids ever go like this?

Me: How did your ski lessons go today?

Child: I can’t do it….I don’t want to go.

One of my biggest fears as a father is a child that gives up when things get tough.

Kids that learn to overcome the hard stuff are more confident and successful. While there isn’t always an obvious recipe to creating kids that push through…

Here are 4 things you can do to teach your kids to never give up and why this is so important…

It Starts With The Why: 

There is a four letter words that has been getting a whole lot of buzz in parenting circles and describes taking on life’s hard stuff…

$#it —--—————————————-----> Grit.

Grit is a bit like being up with a sick child all night and still going to work, cutting the grass and playing ball with your kid while you’re totally exhausted.

Angela Duckworth’s TED talk (with >26M views) defines Grit as:

Where passion and perseverance meet to achieve long term goals.

Ms. Duckworth is clear to point out that Grit is NOT: 

Natural Talent

Hotdog anyone?

Or 

Luck

phew….

Duckworth’s research showed that Grit had a higher correlation to success than natural talent or intelligence (her research followed West Point Cadets and National Spelling Bee Contestants).

Put more simply…. MORE GRIT = MORE SUCCESS. 

If the goal is to raise successful kids and grit is the way to achieve that goal…

Then how do we get grittier kids?

Here are the 4 ways to tackle grit:

1. Be Mufasa (from the Lion King)

2. Get Hyped About Real Learning  

3. You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?

4. Start With A Pillow Fort 

Be Mufasa (Demanding Yet Supportive)

Check out this clip of Mufasa giving a master class in being a dad (75secs).

Mufasa is a classic Authoritative style parent. This form of parenting is ideal for creating grit in kids. There is plenty of evidence to back that this style produces the best outcomes in children: 

“Studies have found that authoritative parents are more likely to raise confident kids who achieve academic success, have better social skills and are more capable at problem-solving.” (From Make It)

Now for a quick visual on Authoritative parenting, along with the other 3 styles.

Do Be: 

• Demanding set high expectations but support your kids to meet those expectations.  And have rules with natural consequences.  

Don’t Be: 

• Too Tough on yourself. It is hard to always ‘dad’ in the top right corner. We are playing the long game here and small adjustments over time lead to success.  

• Al Bundy from Married…with Children (Neglectful), Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny (Permissive) or Red Forman That 70s Show (Authoritarian).

Get Hyped About Real Learning  

There has been a lot written and researched about enjoying the process of learning (growth mindset) from uber intelligent people (Dr. Carol Dweck). This enjoyment in process of learning is one way to build grit.  

However, this isn’t the cram for a test kind of learning. 

That process that growth mindset people learn to enjoy goes something like this: 

Hit challenges -> get feedback->learn from failures and mistakes-> apply the learnings->achieve the goal.

We try to get our kids hyped and to love this process by doing these 5 things:

1. Help our kids see challenges as fun puzzles to solve.

2. Go all House of Pain “Jump Around” about failures (celebrate them) (see HiLoFunFailFav post).

3. Help your kids see their success not against their buddies but against their own progress.

4. Praise the hard work not the outcome - instead of saying “good job” when your kid gets an A on a test, praise all the time and effort they spent studying.

5. Start using the word ‘yet’ - “I can’t do the monkey bars”.  Our response: “You might not be able to do them ‘yet’ but if you keep trying you will.”  

You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?

No literally…if you were on fire what would you do?

Stop, Drop and Roll. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s this phrase and set of actions was drilled into our 5th grade brains.

I would argue that there is a more important 3 word phrase we should etch into our kids’ brains about the process of learning.

We teach our kids a simple and memorable way to think about learning and goal achieving….

We use Pause, Think and Re-Try (doesn’t quite roll off as smoothly as Stop, Drop and Roll). For another approach I like Ray Dalio’s learning loop from his book Principles.

Obstacles are a constant when setting goals. Once our kids hit an obstacle on their way to a goal we ask them to Pause.  We encourage them to Think about the reasons they hit an issue by asking ‘why’ and suggest they Think of ways they could Re-Try to overcome the barrier. And then Re-Try.  We encourage repeating until the goal is met. 

Start With A Pillow Fort

Your 4 year old is going to work towards different goals than your 10 year old.

Meet them where they are.  Start small.  

Let them feel the satisfaction of setting a goal, hitting an obstacle, pausing, thinking, re-trying and eventually achieving.  

This should be simple at first… like building a pillow fort.   

Let them build.  Watch as a pillow wall tumbles.  Ask them ‘what would you change so it doesn’t happen again?’ Let them try again.  Eventually they will get it. 

Without further ado, it’s time to get in the ring with those kiddos and get gritty.  With any amount of luck, you just might fail a little, which you now know is a good thing if you've been paying attention.

The Reason You Don’t Have A Hobby

Is this your Monday-Friday routine?

You go to work. You come home, and you think—

I wish I had a hobby.

This is the extent of the thought. Probably, you commence with family activities, and spend your final hours watching TV.

What’s Going Wrong?

Maybe you’ve made resolutions to yourself to get a hobby.

If you are reading this newsletter, I can confidently say you are a go-getter: you care enough about your family life to take proactive action to grow in your fatherhood.

Why is your free time different?

You take initiative at work, with your family, and with your relationships.

Why is it so hard to take initiative with yourself?

It’s simple: you need to change your perception of what a hobby is.

Is this your first thought when thinking of a hobby?

What if I told you nearly anything could be a hobby?

Hobbies do not need to be elaborate crafts. Often, it is this perception that prevents people from making a change.

Sure, building ships-in-a-bottle is an awesome hobby, but it requires expertise.

And equipment.

And lots of mental energy.

It doesn’t have to be this complicated.

What if your hobby could be as simple as a nighttime bike ride?

Active Vs. Passive Participation.

I would like to offer a simple dichotomy to change your perception of a hobby.

For this definition, a hobby is any activity you enjoy that requires active participation.

What does this mean?

Watching TV: Passive. It requires nothing from you. If you can do a side activity while doing your main activity, this activity is probably passive.

Shooting Hoops: Active. The moment you lose your focus on the basket, the moment you stop making shots.

Why is this important?

Here’s the paradox: while you choose passive activities because they are relaxing, they actually prevent you from really zoning out.

Why?

You aren’t able to enter the flow state.

Flow State: The Main Benefit Of Hobbies

What has made you feel like this before?

Simply put, the flow state is the headspace you reach in an activity where you forget the outside world exists.

Or, from a scientist, “A loss of the feeling of self-consciousness, the merging of action and awareness.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7551835/

What this means for you is the ability to relax in a real, meaningful way.

By being so engaged in a task that you forget about the world, you are allowing yourself to get the mental recharge you crave.

But how?

Again, the secret to this is active participation in your activity.

This doesn’t have to be ship-building, but can be anything you enjoy to do that requires focus.

If you don’t know where to start, return to your childhood:

What did you love to do as a boy?

EXAMPLES:

Throwing a ball against a wall could be your hobby.

Loved to ride your bike as a kid?

Take 15 minutes a night to go on a solitary ride. Leave your phone at home. Push yourself to ride as fast as possible.

Loved to fill the margins of your notebooks with doodles?

Doodle! Throw on headphones with a favorite album, and let time melt away.

Loved exploring the woods as a boy?

Go explore again! As long as you are taking an active role in your life, you will feel the benefits.

Disclaimer:

I am not saying to avoid taking up a difficult, expertise-laden hobby.

This article is dedicated to those who want a hobby, but end up watching TV every night.

Remember: life is not all-or-nothing.

By making a small change towards active participation, you might find yourself invigorated enough to embark on a journey to learn how to make ships-in-a-bottle.

Why You Should Play Hooky With Your Kids

mmmmmm…..hookkkkkkkyyyy….

Your kids probably don’t love school.

Unless you are incredibly blessed, you probably don’t love your job.

Obviously, both of you need to go to work and school.

But…

Not everyday!

An Annual Hooky Tradition

Photoshop Skills Not Included With Annual Hooky Day

Imagine this:

You take a single vacation day. You show up to your kid’s school, surprise them, and take them on an adventure.

You guys do something totally left-field.

Your kid is a skater?

You drive him(or her!) to the best skatepark in your area, one that is typically a little too far for them to bike to.

The best part?

They know it’s coming, but they don’t know when…

The Set-Up

Mask Not Required For Kidnapping Your Kid From School

You create a shroud of mystery surrounding the mythical Yearly Hooky Day:

“You won’t know when, and you won’t know what, but one day each year, I am going to pull you outta school and we are gonna do something EPIC!”

The curiosity and excitement builds in your little schemers…

“But what are we gonnnnaaa dooooo???”

It’s a secret.

From then on, everyday they have school, they will have it in the back of their minds.

Excitement growing.

Knowing, “Today could be the day…”

Why A Hooky Day

Make your kid “stock-image happy”

Look.

School is important.

It teaches kids an unfortunate truth about life: every single day, you gotta do shit you don’t want to.

But…

They are kids!

Put yourself in their shoes, or your own shoes, or just simply get back into the mind of a child.

How many days did you spend daydreaming about someone swooping you up, and taking you away from the dullery to go explore?

You will make that daydream tangible.

Plus, I promise you one thing:

Your kids will not forget those magical days.

The Five-Step Art of A Family Dinner Convo

“Instruction was splendid, pa-pah”

Do your dinner conversations sound like this?

“How was school today?”

Good.

“Anything fun happen?”

Nope. Normal.

Let’s take a step back. 

The fact that you are having a dinner conversation is awesome!

Eating together is not simply family bonding time. According to Harvard, 

“Regular family dinners are associated with lower rates of depression, and anxiety, and substance abuse, and eating disorders, and tobacco use, and early teenage pregnancy, and higher rates of resilience and higher self esteem.”

Ok! You’ve got the family dinner down, but you want to have more, let’s say, engaging conversation. 

Here is a five-step guide to asking your kids questions they will be excited to answer. 

This isn’t a formula; think of this more as a framework. If you feel like getting crazy and modifying it, do it! It will probably keep your little conversationalists on their toes. 

HiLoFunFailFav

I apologize for the awkward mnemonic device, but if you say it fast, it does(kinda) roll off the tongue. 

As I said, this isn’t a formula to spit at your kids. This is a framework for you to use!

Hi-Highlight of The Day

Here, you give your kids the opportunity to tell you what made their day awesome, if only for a moment. 

Examples:

What was the best part of your day? (and you aren’t allowed to say “going home!”)

Did you learn anything today that blew your mind?

Did you see any squirrels water skiing? 

Lo-Lowlight Of The Day

Time to let your kid get Emo

Give your kids the opportunity to act like an adult, and complain.

Examples:

What SUCKED about today?

What’s the most USELESS thing you learned today?

If you could do today over again, what would you leave in the past?

Fun-Funniest Thing That Happened At School

Let’s see them try to make us learn…

Give your kid the chance to show off his storytelling skills. 

Example:

What was the CRAZIEST thing you saw at school today?

What made you ROFL today?

P.S. (Don’t worry I had to look up what it meant)

P.S.S (Yes, be a corny dad and say “ROFL” out loud, like roff-all).

Fail-Failure Of The Day

Get like Mike!

Here, you give your kids the opportunity to show you they understand failure is normal. This is also a perfect opportunity to start by modeling this question. 

EXAMPLE OF MODELING:

Today I had such a hard time finding the right words for this blog post. It felt like my brain was deep-fried. After I meditated though, I felt way better and crushed it in like 45 minutes. What about you guys? 

WHAT YOU ASK AFTER MODELING:

Did you get stuck at all today?

What was super hard in class today?

Fav-Favorite Food/Drink

Might as well be a 3 michelin star meal…

Ok, this one is an easy home run. No explanation needed. 

Example:

What was the BEST thing you ate today?

Did you drink anything DELICIOUS at school?

How To Use It

This isn’t a checklist in which you have to hit each category in order. This is a tool: if the conversation is flagging, come back to it for guidance. 

Oh by the way…

Don’t forget to give them a chance…awkward silence is what brilliance is made of…

This 21 second pause to let @elonmusk think about his answer is why @lexfridman is an amazing interviewer. pic.twitter.com/w9qgd1lZv4

— Neville Medhora (@nevmed) December 29, 2021

 Now go engage those little monsters! Make them spill their guts. If they are hesitant, show them how! Model how a conversation works. You are already doing the right thing by having a family dinner, now make it fun!