Parenting Is Like Hitting A Wall

Parenting is like climbing a rock wall.

It requires a partner, the belayer (at least to do it safely).

It’s extremely fatiguing (it can hurt like hell).

But when you make progress, you lock it in (climbing uses anchors aka belays)

And the hope is that it was worth it once you get to the top.

I mean, I’ve never met a dad who has been through it and doesn’t say it was worth it.

They could be lying, but I won’t know til I get to the top.

“on belay!” (the command in climbing, letting your partner know you are ready to climb)

The 9 Do’s And Don’ts Of A Father-Daughter Roadtrip

I’m a girl dad.

I have two daughters.

I met a dad whose daughters were now in their early 30s. He shared with me his favorite way to connect with his daughter as they got older and too cool for school was a father-daughter trip.

He said he allowed each of his children to choose the destination.

They could go anywhere they were interested, just him and her.

He did it in middle school before their idea of fun was an Instagram trip to the Maldives.

My girls aren’t old enough yet but I imagine one day I will do a road trip with each of my girls to a destination of their choice.

Here are the 9 DOs and DON’Ts, as a reminder to myself for my future father-daughter road trips.

DO: Make Your Daughter Lead Navigator

Make her your co-pilot by making her your navigator so she feels a part of the journey and not just a passenger.

DON’T: Be The Roadtrip Dictator

Try not to say ‘no’. If she asks you to do something you don’t like, try using “yes” “and” adding the thing you daddio want to do.

Example: Daughter says, “let’s get a manicure!” You: “Yes and let’s go to a driving range after and hit a bucket o’ balls.”

DO: Allow Time For Spontaneous Adventure

This may be the most important reminder. Leave some extra time so that you can stop, make a detour, or stay a little extra time in one place.

This ‘do’ allows for unexpected experiences that create the stories that will last the test of time.

DON’T: Pass Through A Major City During Rush Hour

Nothing kills the excitement of a road trip more than traffic. Avoid it by avoiding major cities during rush hour.

DO: Take A Peek Under The Hood Before Embarking

Make sure the oil is changed and the fluids are topped up. Preventative maintenance is crucial to avoid waiting on the roadside for a tow truck.

DON’T: Be A Cheapskate

Ok, I’m not saying you go ‘Crazy Rich Asian’ but don’t be a cheapskate…splurge just a little.

DO: Bring Camping Supplies!

And mix it up.

Don’t just stay in hotels and eat at the Cracker Barrell across the parking lot.

Bring some camping gear, cook over a campfire, and fall asleep to the smell of smoke in your hair—nothing better than fresh air and shooing away raccoons all night.

DON’T: Check Your Emails

Let the road trip be for you and your daughter.

Work will be waiting for you when you return.

Only use your phone for navigation or a hot tip or two.

Don’t check email, nothing in that email will be more important than the time you have with your daughter.

DO: Give Your Kid Disposable Cameras and Hire Him As Your Photographer

Or an old phone so they can ONLY take pictures and document the adventure.

One day on your Alexa or Google Home you will see those pictures and the memories will come flooding back.

BONUS: DO NOT USE THE ROAD-TRIP TO GIVE “THE TALK”

No explanation needed. That sounds uncomfortable.

Be present. Do it together. Be curious. Be open. And don’t push an agenda.

I Realized I Was Missing Something

Being a dad, for me, is a serious responsibility.

I think my greatest responsibility, as I’m sure you can tell.

My wife and I live and breathe clean up all the messes of parenting

It often feels like a job.

My good intentions; to see my kids turn out as respectful and kid adults has me trying hard.

My effort and laser focus might actually be making things harder.

Like an athlete who gets into a slump and then tries even harder but actually makes it worse.

That’s how I’ve been feeling about my parenting right now…I’m just trying too hard.

This realization has pushed me to test out a new approach.

Instead, I’m trying to have more fun with it.

I was trying to see every moment as a chance to guide them to be more kind, resilient and independent children.

Now.

I’m just having fun.

So when one of my kids does something I don’t like, instead of correcting them I’m trying to find a way to have fun with it first so we can connect.

Once we have connected, then I can find a way to guide them.

This past weekend we laughed a lot…and it seems my attitude shift might be helping.

I hope to spend more time experiencing them and less time trying so hard to get the outcome.

How are you feeling as a dad? Do you, like me, take parenting seriously (maybe too seriously)? Or have you found ways to have fun with it?

We Got Stuck With Nuns For 5 Hours…It Was The Best

I just had the best vacation, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

As a busy and stressed dad taking a break from the constant hustle was a much-needed luxury.

Here's why this trip meant so much to us...

This was our first vacation without the kids in almost two years and was long overdue.

The last time we had a kidless trip was during our babymoon before our third and final child arrived. I don’t think it even counts.

That trip was marred by my inability to taste a thing (I had covid) and solo-painting two bedrooms.

This time, however, we embarked on a remarkable adventure that brought us closer together.

Our trip consisted of; getting trapped for five hours in a convent with nuns, witnessing the democratic process, and reconnecting with great friends, we rarely see in person.

We visited the offices of our Senator and House representative and sat in the gallery of both the house and senate to observe democracy.

Other than saying the pledge of allegiance with the House members it wasn’t very impressive.

The house reps spent their time giving shoutouts (bdays and retirement) to constituents from their district.

But what made this trip truly special was the time we spent with our friends, without the constant distractions of kids.

Reconnecting with old pals felt incredible and reminded us of the importance of maintaining those connections.

An unexpected twist occurred when we got stuck in a convent. My wife's best friend from elementary school joined a silent order of nuns.

My wife connected via handwritten letter before our trip to DC and we were invited for dinner (and a whole lot more).

The nuns were surprisingly humorous and heartwarming, adding a unique dimension to our vacation. You bet I cracked a habit (nun's cloak) joke or two.

Spending five days away from our kids was the perfect balance. The first two days allowed us to relax fully, while by the fifth day, we started to miss our little monkeys.

I can't thank my parents and sis enough for enlisting in a tour of caring for our furiously independent kiddos.

And the real magic.

Not only did we feel more connected to each other as a couple, but we also felt rejuvenated and ready to be the best parents we could be to our kids.

Our children, too, seemed to have needed this break, as they happily piled into the car to be with us again, without a single complaint.

This trip was a game-changer for our family dynamics, emphasizing the importance of taking time for ourselves and each other.

It gave us a chance to unwind, recharge, and remember why we cherish being parents.

As soon as my parents forget about the exhaustion of looking after our kids, we'll be planning another trip.

Escaping Is The Key To Upping Your Dad Game

Life as a dad, husband, and professional can sometimes feel like a never-ending Mario Kart race.

Each morning I can almost hear the ping ping ping piiiiiiiiiiing (Mario Kart) and then, boom, it's off to the races!

In my house, it's a daily Mario Kart rally.

My three zooming around like Mario and his pals, leaving a trail of banana peels (a.k.a. toys) and koopa shells (those dreaded Legos) in their wake.

It's a mix of chaos and fun, and it can be flat-out exhausting when it goes on for weeks and weeks.

Now, here's an eye-opening statistic: 43% of families live 200 miles or more away from their grandparents, and a majority live at least 50 miles away.

Why is this important?

Well, in the good ol' days, grandparents played a big role in providing secondary care for families.

I remember spending several days a week with my grandparents during the summer.

They were like the pit stop in our Mario Kart race, giving us a much-needed breather.

But times have changed.

Modern parents don't get enough of a break.

It's like slipping on a banana peel and getting hit with a koopa shell as we spin off the track.

Ouch!

And you know what suffers the most from this kart crash?

Our relationship with our spouse.

It takes a hit, and we feel it.

That's why my wife and I have made it a priority to invest in our relationship.

We've discovered a secret weapon—getting away from it all.

Yes, my fellow dads, it's time to plan those much-needed escapes, at least once, or even better, twice a year.

I know, it's easier said than done, especially during that first year with a new baby when they're attached to your wife's boobies.

But trust me; you'll get through that phase.

We're excited because we're about to go on our first long weekend away from all three kids since our youngest entered this world last February.

It's been too long.

We're strapping our little ones in the van and channeling our inner Walter Sobchak (think The Big Lebowski) by slowing down to 15 M P H and rolling them onto their grandparents' front lawn.

They need it, and we need it too.

Our goal is simple: we want to return from this adventure feeling more connected and refreshed, ready to tackle the next several levels of our Mario Kart race.

So fellow dads, I'm curious: what ways have you found to connect and invest in your relationship with your spouse?

TBH, my weekend, it sucked.

TBH, my weekend, it sucked.

Saturday morning began with me twiddling my thumbs, waiting for our adorable 3-year-old to rise from her slumber.

And boy, did she take their sweet time—didn't pop up until a glorious 10 a.m.

The rest of the day? A whirlwind of backbreaking yard work. Picture me hauling rocks, moving an ancient fence I dismantled, and triumphantly assembling a brand-new trampoline.

But instead of basking in the results by going on a tranquil hike or some well-deserved relaxation, our eldest fell ill faster than a bowling ball in a kiddie pool. Poor kiddo.

When we finally got the kids to bed and thought we could savor a moment of husband-and-wife time, our son woke up, and the next two hours were a chaotic symphony of puking.

And the icing on the cake, my early morning fishing plans...dashed.

Courtesy of my son's heroic performance of vomiting and, uh, other unmentionables.

And our other two bundles of joy decided to treat us to a chorus of "wake ups" throughout the night (a blowout diaper and several "I'm scared").

But you know what? Looking back on it, I realize something. This rollercoaster of a weekend reminded me of the true essence of being called "Dad."

🧡 We care.

🛠 We build.

💥 We provide.

💪 We summon our strength.

You know what? Scratch that my weekend didn't suck. In fact, it was pretty darn incredible.

Sure, I didn't get to do what I had planned, but I got to fully embrace the magnificent role of a dad—the sleepless nights, the unexpected messes, the comforting whispers in the dark.

It's a true testament to the power of fatherhood.

So, maybe your weekend wasn't all rainbows and unicorns either, but I have a hunch that amidst the chaos, you shone brilliantly as a dad.

Let's celebrate the journey of fatherhood together!

P.S. Pic of my two bundles of joy I devoted extra attention to this weekend.

I’ve Got An Itch…That Needs A Scratch

Because of a serendipitous coffee shop encounter, (that sounds more romantic than bumping into each other at a Starbucks in Detroit) I met the love of my life.

That coincidence eventually grew into love.

And then marriage.

7 short years ago, my wife, Meredith, and I tied the knot.

And after 7 years, I have an itch.

I fantasize about it on the regular.

Don’t worry, I broke it to Meredith, on our anniversary.

And she is more than ok with it.

My fantasy.

No kids, just her and I.

Traveling, having a lazy morning, and exploring the world together like we did BC (before children).

Ok, now that I shared my deepest darkest fantasy…I realized something else pretty amazing.

The magnitude of things that can happen and be achieved in 7 years.

Bill Gates once said something like, “people overestimate what they can accomplish in a year and seriously underestimate what they can accomplish in 10 years.”

We were amazed when Meredith and I reflected on what we had accomplished in 7 years.

And excited by what the next 7 will hold.

For perspective, 7 years ago, I ended my dream of creating my own company from scratch. I had poured everything I had into a family startup for a little over 4 years.

After having almost nothing left to my name, I decided it was time to move on.

I used a loan from an old 401k to buy and rehab a duplex.

We rehabbed another commercial building.

We bought a second duplex and renovated it.

We had 3 kids, two of which came during a pandemic.

We sold a business.

We bought a fourth property and moved our family 250 miles away.

I started three new jobs.

And I got in shape (dropped my cholesterol by ~120 pts and cut my risk of dying by 64%)…phew.

I’m so excited by what will happen over the next 7 years.

Our fuzzy goal is to achieve self-sovereignty ( a term for financial independence tossed around by personal finance influencers).

Two paths we are pursuing:

1) buying and creating a rustic property with multiple vacation rental options (camping and cabins).

2) buying a boring business, a profitable business most baby boomers couldn’t pass on to the next generation because it isn’t sexy (i.e. car wash, plumbing company, garage door installer, storage units, etc.).

Now its time to get to work.

Happy anniversary my love, and cheers to the next 7 years!

What excites you about the next 7 years?

Getting In Over My Waders As A Dad

I found myself wading in deeper water than I anticipated, and the force of the current only pushed me further.

Initially, a sense of panic started to take hold of me, but I soon realized there was no way to stop what was happening.

I was in over my waders.

It happened on a recent fishing weekend with my dad.

The water crept closer and closer to the top of my waders until it was too late.

As a result, my waders filled up, and I had to float myself to the bank, and drag my waterlogged body to some dry ground.

Struggling to remove my waders, I was determined not to let this setback ruin my day.

After pouring out a hilarious amount of water and wringing out my socks and fleece, I did what any dedicated fisherman would do - I went back to fishing.

Have you ever felt in over your waders as a father?

I recently found myself pushed in over my waders as a dad.

I strive for my children to see me as patient, curious, and lighthearted, but a recent moment didn't align with any of those qualities.

I won't give you the messy details…I lost my cool and we made quite the scene in the parking lot of one of our favorite local eating establishments (not sure we are welcomed back).

I felt like that time in high school when my parents found the stash of empty beer cans from the party I wasn’t supposed to throw while they were out of town.

I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

I've been beating myself up over my lack of patience and emotional restraint.

However, I can’t let one mess up ruin things; I’ve got to keep trying.

This incident has prompted me to reflect on the nature of parenting.

It's a lifelong journey, and each day presents countless opportunities for me to be a better father.

Fortunately, my children have already forgiven me, and now I'm also learning to forgive myself.

I'm committed to making an effort daily to improve and grow.

I’m going to dump out those waders and get back at it.

Loneliness

Dads, have you ever felt alone, even though your family surrounds you?

My wife and I spend the whole day in the same house, yet often feel like ships passing at night.

Barely having the time or energy even to say hi.

I’ve only seen my best friend, once in the last 6 months.

And I WFH.

It has made my daily routine feel like a grind.

My tank empty and a feeling of alone.

If you feel this way, you’re not alone (no pun intended).

The good thing is that other dudes, like you and I, want to connect.

There isn’t a prescription but more of a set of practical things I found to squash the feelings of loneliness.

Here are the 4 doable ways I found to fix the loneliness of being a dad.

1/ Start with self-care.

I start by feeding myself.

To connect with others, I found it crucial to start by connecting with myself.

For me waking up early so I get an hour of quiet time and then an hour at the gym.

I come home refreshed and ready for the day.

It feeds me and gives me the energy to connect with my kids, my wife, my buds and my colleagues.

This plays into my next point.

2/ Connecting with my wife

Sometimes the key to breaking out of my loneliness funk is starting with the relationship closest to me.

My wife.

I make it a priority to connect.

I found a simple daily email with three things; 1) why I’m grateful for her, 2) what my schedule is for the day and 3) something I’m excited (or need) to talk to her about later that evening.

This gives us a reason to connect at night even when we are both exhausted from the day.

We acknowledge and celebrate even a short, 15 min convo.

This builds the connection momentum.

3/ Turn on the cab light.

Having kids has thrust me into a new phase of life. And some of my friends that were friends before are not in the same phase of life.

So what do I do:

Well, find new friends.

Sheeeshh. You might say, “easier said than done.”

As I get older, it gets harder to make new friends.

But for me, it was more of a mindset shift.

When I was helping my gf (now wife) move, as we unpacked her stuff I found a book called “Turn On Your Cab Light.”

It turns out she was reading it when she met me.

And the summary is; to find new relationships, one must be open to new relationships.

My cab light looks like taking a class in something I’m interested in.

And joining a group with a shared goal (fitness class).

The key is finding places and activities where there are several people with the same interests or similar goals.

Usually, these are related to hobbies, or wellness or religion.

This leads to my fourth and final point.

4/ A guys' weekend.

Every year we do a guys' weekend.

We look forward to it like Christmas.

It's on the calendar for the same weekend every year so it is easier to get coverage from our wives.

It also entertains us throughout the year as we relive the weekend through our group text messages.

How have you battled the loneliness that comes with being a committed dad?

What Busy Dads Can Still Learn From Their Parents

Recently, I was inspired to call my mom.  

Teary-eyed, I reached for my phone.

It’s rare that I talk to her these days without interruption and distraction.  

After all, she’s ‘Grammy’ and that trumps everything.  The quality mother/son time that we once had has been replaced by my children’s unending desire to squeeze candy (I mean love) out of their grandma. 

Hearing her voice was what I needed. 

It got me thinking: when do I get to have a moment with my mom anymore?

I’m busy.  

I’m distracted. 

Work, kids, wife, projects, fitness…the list goes on.   

You probably experience this too…things just seem to get busier and busier. 

I wrote a blog about a concept called Tail End.  Tim Urban breaks down how if you are 40 or older you’re at the tail end of many of your most important relationships.

He uses parents as an example.  

By 18 we have spent 90% of our time with them.

We lived with them full-time until then, and from the moment we leave for college we will only see them about 10% more.  

Sobering.

But there is hope.  Because even if you’re in your 40s (like me) you’re a billionaire.

A time billionaire, that is.   

On average people in their 40s should have about a billion seconds left (a billion secs is 31 years).  

The key is to make the most of those billion seconds.  

And overcome the challenge of being distracted or “too busy”.  

And not spending more time with our loved ones.

Even if it is just picking up the phone and being present.   

Or not half listening when someone calls. 

Here is a brief summary of the story that moved me to tears and made me want to call my mom.  

Told by a techie that tried to connect with his mom through tech (full story here).  The reality was that she never wanted to.

She aged and suffered the ailments of aging which caused her to go to assisted living.  

Then the pandemic hit and he was unable to see his mom.

One day during lockdown on his way to the mailbox it dawned on him that writing her letters might help connect.  

The letters went out and to his surprise, letters, from her, showed up in his mailbox.  

Almost every day. 

Eventually, his mom caught covid and her health took a turn for the worst.  

Because of restrictions, he was not able to see her.

Then one day, he desperately attempted to see her from the lawn outside the facility.

It was raining.   The caregiver lifted his mom up to the window.  

Again he had to rely on a low-tech marker and poster board.

He drew a heart.  Through the window, his mom saw and slowly brought her hand up to her heart. 

Unfortunately, his mom’s health continued to erode.  

The facility eventually called and said that his mom’s condition was bad enough that they would break protocol and let him see her. 

He rushed to the facility but it was too late.  

His mom had passed minutes earlier.  Her caregiver held her hand as she passed away. 

My takeaway:

Nothing replaces a real connection with our parents. 

Time is our most precious resource, and I should spend it with those I love.    

I immediately called my mom…just to say hi and that I love her.  

I love you, mom. 

P.S. Pic is my mom and sis celebrating a milestone birthday this past March

Connect with Your Wife By Getting Awkward Like Michael Scott

Do you ever dread situations where you’re forced to meet someone new?

Do you cringe at meeting a new work colleague or attending a friend’s holiday party?

How will I fill those empty voids? How do I keep the conversation going? Those are just a couple of questions that race through my mind in these scenarios.  

Psychologists believe your next new friend might be made by exploring Michael Scott-style awkward questions.  

Michael Scott is notorious for his get-too-personal, too-quick style of interacting. 

But it’s not just Michael Scott who believes in getting up close and personal with new people.  

According to head doctors, guinea pigs participants in an awkward question study reported feeling more connected and happier with their ‘new acquaintances.’  

These researchers outlined a series of questions designed to make people feel vulnerable, which tends to break down walls and forge a closeness.  

I wanted to put it to the test, so I asked my wife if she would be up for a “hot new experiment” (she rolled her eyes at first but eventually got on board.)

I scrolled through the questions below, which turned into 45 minutes of fun and laughter.  Heck, I even learned something new about my wife. 

Try the questions out with your wife/partner before trying this on a stranger.  You both might have a good time, learn something new, and feel more connected. 

Of course, I can’t suggest being vulnerable without exposing myself.  So here are the awkward-inducing questions from the article and my response to add color. 

Q: "Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?"

A: Nothing can bring tears like old yeller…definitely the passing of our family dog.

Q: "What is one of the more embarrassing moments in your life?"

A: Any one of the 100 times one of my kids lost it in public.

Q: "For what in your life do you feel most grateful?"

A: My daily routine.  Wake up early to write and read (before the monsters get up), do an AM workout, a midday meditation (in between juggling work and some fiercely independent kiddos). 

Q: "If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, or anything else, what would you want to know?"

A: Are we going to make it?  Our current forecast; is a Michigan winter, 3 kids under five, at home, while I’m trying to WFH. 

Q: "What do you love doing?"

A: Exploring and discovering.  Translation; hiking, hunting, traveling and foraging for mushrooms (not at the same time).  

Q: "What do you regret most?"

A: Wish I knew in my 20s what I know now (at 42). Translation; Invested in more real estate, went on a grand adventure (like the kid that built a log cabin by hand…check this out), did not work right after college but moved to Paris, tended bar, and learned French (oui, oui).

Q: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

A: Also the worst interview question.  I didn’t answer, who knows what will happen in 5 years. 

And finally, the lightning round.  Here are a few more questions to keep the awkwardness going.  

Q: "Are you better at working, or relaxing?"

A: relaxing

Q: "Are you more sensitive to news, or fiction?"

A: probably news (I don’t think I would use this question). 

Q: "Given the choice, would you live alone or with others?"

A: This is easy…others. 

Q: "Which comes more naturally to you, gratitude or generosity?"

A: Generosity

Q: "Do you often forgo transparency for kindness?" 

A: Absolutely…sometimes I wish I was a bit blunter (Breaking Bad Saul-style)

So get awkward.  Start with your partner.  See what you learn.  And then, if it works, go all Michael Scott, and get awkward at your next meet and greet. 

How To Make Christmas Less Stressful

Aaaah Christmas. 

Ever feel like Clark Griswold from Christmas vacation?

Stressed out trying to find your family that perfect gift while juggling hanging Christmas lights, closing out the year at work, and hosting family (especially your weird cousin)?

Here are five ways to make Christmas a little less stressful, keep our kids more grounded, and feel more connected. 

1/ Sling soup at a soup kitchen

Every year, the day after Christmas, my mom signed us up to serve at the local soup kitchen. 

We complained. We wanted to play with our Christmas toys at home in our PJs.  

However, we grew to enjoy it and have many great stories from this time.  

We also learned that people are in need, and serving others feels good. 

2/ Buy gifts for someone else’s family 

Wait, what family would give up gifts for Christmas?!?!

And how does this help me remove the stress of buying gifts by buying gifts for a whole other family?

Hear me out. 

Adopting a family is easier because they typically give you a list of wants and needs.  

You don’t need to find the perfect gift for each family member (this can be a painstaking hunt).  

Also, your kids eventually learn it is better to give than receive.  

Think about it.  Most of the ‘things’ your kids and spouse want are things we can get almost any day of the year if we need them.  

Many families don’t have this luxury, so why not teach the importance of giving by blessing a family in need?

3/ Stoke the embers of a new ritual

Holidays are all about tradition.  

Why not start something new (our blog about new rituals here). 

Try creating a new ritual that your family gets excited about every year.                

One idea we explored after having some of the most delicious pancakes diner pancakes was trying to recreate the perfect fluffy diner-style pancakes.  

Try a new recipe from scratch (no pre-boxed pancake mix).  

Let it get a little messy. 

Then each year, try to top the previous year's pancakes. Slathering those pancakes with butter and your neighbor's homemade maple syrup doesn’t hurt, either. 

4/ Learn a new party trick, as a family

We have gotten into the rhythm of doing family cooking classes together over the holidays.  

One year we learned to cook gritty south Philly Italian in a Philly neighborhood right out of the Rocky movie. 

Where do you find something like this? 

Look at Airbnb Experiences in your local area.  

Or check out a Masterclass.    

YouTube is a great place to learn how to DIY just about anything (learn to whistle loudly like a train or impress guests by learning to juggle).  

Do it together as a family. Even if it is a bust, there will still be a Christmas story that will likely live on for years. 

5/ Don’t do things, do experiences

Go to a museum with your family. 

Go on an epic hike (or snowshoe if you are in Northern Michigan) where the destination is a treat (bakery, breakfast, or brewery). 

Make a scavenger hunt (here’s one you can print off) in your neighborhood, and let the winner or winning team pick the next activity. 

The Takeaway

Let’s make the Holidays easier on ourselves and a little less stressful by finding ways to connect more and focusing on experiences rather than things. 

A Letter To My Son

Whenever I describe your birth, I describe it as the best and most memorable moment of my life (the best day of my life was the day I married your mother). 

I vividly remember that day.  I know how you love it when I tell the story. 

So here it goes again. 

It started with your momma thinking she peed the bed (it was her water breaking).  

And a chain reaction was set in motion when I fired off a simple text “Meredith’s in labor.”  The text sent our whole family into a tizzy, especially Grammy.  

Side note: Grammy’s herd of friends were cheering for her to fulfill her life’s aspiration of being a grandma (you were it, buddy).  

Then hours of painful agony your momma endured (+12 hours of labor) to squeeze you out into this world. 

And your birth(I am crying right now just thinking about it). 

There was a love born at that moment that I never knew existed. 

It was a love for you, my sweet baby boy, and for your momma, who did all the hard work to bring you into this world. 

The pride I had for my new baby boy as I clipped the umbilical cord and you laid lightly crying with your pink and blue-veined skin covered in a waxy gook (vernix). 

The excitement and tears of joy as momma and I tossed names out for an hour and a half until we found the name that fit you, Henryk. 

Finally, we decided that we had held off the feral grandparents long enough.  We asked the nurses to open the gate to let your fiending family finally meet you. 

They tore back the curtain, and we announced you to our world (your family). 

“We want you to meet your new grandson, Henryk Wyatt”.  

There were so many hugs and kisses and tears of joy.   

You couldn’t leave the hospital without an examination.  The nurse came in, and Mimi and Grammy joined me to do a complete once-over. The nurse noted you looked healthy and normal except for one thing.  

The nurse said she had never seen anything like it in her 32-year career. 

“This is the tightest butt hole I have ever seen.”

Don’t ask me how she measured tightness or why that was the thing she chose to say but it makes us laugh every time we tell that part of the story.

That is your origin story.  

I needed to be reminded of the greatest moment in my life before I share with you the heaviness I am feeling today. 

One day, probably in the not-too-distant future, you will be able to read this.  

There are three things I hope you get from this letter; mistakes, emotions, and being a dad is tough at times.   

First, mistakes are an important part of life. I hope you will look at my mistakes with grace because I’m trying.

Here is an interesting way to look at the importance of mistakes.   

I recently listened to a podcast that interviewed Chamath Palihapitiya (a controversial billion with an amazing rags-to-riches story). 

Chamath said this about mistakes, “life's success is how you control your mistakes. You control your mistakes by making a bunch of mistakes.”  

Here’s how I interpret his quote. 

Success in life is about the speed and intensity of learning, and learning comes only through trying and failing. 

And the more we fail (make mistakes), especially early in life, the quicker we learn what works and how to succeed. 

I hope that my mistakes now will make me a better dad tomorrow. 

The second thing I hope you get from this letter is how I feel in this challenging phase. 

This letter is me showing you that all emotions (even negative ones) are ok and my attempt to share them in a healthy way with you.    

We are in a low, right now.  

What does a low feel like? 

It feels like being in the dark: a little scary and unclear which way is the right direction.  

I feel this way because we have tried everything, and nothing seems to be working right now. 

It feels like my senior year of high school soccer and getting knocked out in the playoffs. We put in so much work to get to that point but it was not enough.  

Your momma and I have put in a lot of work trying to be the best parents for you and your sisters.  

I’m also feeling frustrated that I can’t figure out what you need.  

You’re four and a half.  

I know it must be hard to express how you are feeling.

The frustration is also a frustration with myself because at times I let my emotions get the better of me, and I’m not always the calm emotional example you need.

As I write this letter, I am committed to you, your sisters, and our family that I will keep trying.  

Keep trying to be a better dad, understand what you need, and help you find ways to share your emotions in a healthy way. 

There are no bad emotions; all emotions are ok. 

My role as your dad and our role as parents is to show you and coach you how to share your emotions (even negative ones) in a good way that doesn’t harm you or those around you. 

Finally.

I love you, son.  I am proud of you.  And I am proud to be your father.  

What Making Pancakes Can Teach Us About Raising Great Kids

A friend once told me they refer to their firstborn as their first pancake.

Have you ever woken up early and had a craving for just-add-water pancake mix?

If you have, you can relate to the first pancake analogy. 

More times than not, the first pancake is slightly misshapen and not cooked right (too brown or too pale) as you get a feel for the pan and your cooking rhythm.

The first pancake is the test pancake, so all the other pancakes are perfectly cooked. 

Sometimes I feel this way with our firstborn. We made most of our mistakes with him, and our other kids benefited from their now 'experienced' parents.  

Before our first child, I researched and read books about raising the next Elon Musk.  

But nothing prepared me for that moment I became a father. It was exciting and scary.   

The great news is I learned a ton from our first pancake. Here are the four things I learned so you can avoid the test pancake:

Step 1 - Prep: Research shows that 0 to 7 years is the most critical development stage.

It took real-life challenges to find the right books.

Here are the 3 books that every dad should read before his first is born to navigate those early and most formative years. 

1/ Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It. 

Summary: The FBI's top hostage negotiator shares how empathy is the key to winning in business, life, and parenting. 

2/ No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame. 

Summary: As any great CEO uses confidence, respect, and calm direction, so should parents with their kids. Author Janet Lansbury shows how important it is to avoid being dismissive, judgemental, and demeaning which is key to raising confident and independent kids.   

3/ Twelve Hours Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old: A Step-by-Step Plan for Baby Sleep Success.

Summary: Sleeping is your child's first lesson in independence. Learning how to self-soothe and put themselves to sleep. A more rested baby and parenting unit is a happier and healthier household.

Step 2 - Proper Utensils: I imagined my role as a coach, teacher, and discipliner.  

But in those early years, it is more fundamental.

I discovered that so much of the early years are about calmly helping my kids identify and express their emotions.

This may sound touchy-feely, but I learned this is critical to the healthy development of all other areas.

Honestly, being a calm model to help my son recognize his emotions has helped me a ton.

I came to the realization that I needed to work on this myself.

Step 3 - Practice: Parenting is Practicing.

No dad is a perfect dad right from day one.

We all have things to work on.

Dadding is no different than putting the hours in at the gym, honing a craft, or improving a golf handicap.

It takes regular practice. Each interaction is an opportunity to practice and learn.

And hone those skills to become a Jedi master dad. 

Step 4 - Keep stacking: Even if imperfect, a hot pancake with syrup and butter tastes great.

Be easy on yourself.

Kids are forgiving, so you can forgive yourself.

I make mistakes all the time.

The key is to keep moving and try to get better each day.

Don't beat yourself up because your kids won't beat you up for making a mistake.  

So now I pass the spatula to you put in the prep, make sure you have the right utensils and the pan is hot, and keep flipping.  

I’m A Billionaire

Billionaire.

That's not a word most of us would associate ourselves with.

Bold statement alert... I am a billionaire and you probably are too.

Let me explain.

I’m 42 and what this means is that I’m at the tail end of a majority of my most important relationships and important experiences.

For instance, 90% of my time with my parents has already been spent. I lived with them full-time until I was 18 and now, I might see them one weekend a month. Most of my time with them has been lived.

The reverse is true for my kids. Over the next ~18 years, I will have spent 90% of my time with my kids.

This is sobering but also motivating.

Tim Urban has visualized this concept of the Tail End. He visualizes all his favorite things showing how much he has already experienced them and how much time he likely has left to experience each.

If I live to my mid-80s I might only have 40 Autumns left with my wife and kids…I better find a way to relish each one.

We can also look at this through the lens of time. If we took our graphing calculator with a couple of quick strokes you would see how most of us are billionaires.

Not by the zeroes in our bank account but as a measure of time. We're all likely ‘time’ billionaires. 11 days is a million seconds and 31 years is a billion seconds. That means most of us are billionaires with the wealth of time, our most precious resource.

My takeaway:

Since I am on the tail-end of most of my most important relationships and experiences I better make the most of my time with my kids, especially fall hikes.

And I am rich. I likely have a billion seconds left and it is up to me how I use that billion to enrich my life and my kids and the lives of those around me.

P.S. This was one of our last fall hikes of the season. Check out that lil’ creeper in the background.

One Mom-Rule Every Dad Should Break

Remember this classic line…

“No more horseplay!” Said every mom and teacher.  

‘No more horseplay’ is a rule every dad should break, and let me tell you why.

Even before I read any research, horseplay was and is part of our daily routine. 

I enjoy nothing more than sliding out of my work-from-home office between meetings and switching to my Evil Shredder voice.  Then chasing my four-year-old and two-year-old ninja turtles around and tossing them into the sewer (on the couch). 

Or I like transforming my eight-month-old into an 'Evil Ninja Baby' and chasing after the older two with a flying karate kick. 

It often ends with Evil Shredder (me) out of breath and a pile of ninja turtles on top practicing their ninja moves.  

Horseplay has a long tradition of being ‘banned’ by parents and teachers.  But I am glad to inform you that you don’t have to follow this rule because science says horseplay has big benefits.   

According to Dr. Anthony T. DeBenedet and Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen, in their book The Art of Roughhousing, here is what letting your ninja turtles go cowabunga on you can do for them:

• Horseplay builds confidence

• Horseplay helps solve behavioral issues  

• Horseplay allows children to develop a sense of balance and coordination

• Horseplay can promote social and emotional development in children

So, the next time you see your ninja turtles engage in some horseplay, don’t tell them to stop.   Instead, summon your inner Shredder and join in.  It will make you feel good about breaking a long-standing rule, and your kids will be better off.

How to support your baby’s brain growth

Have you ever wondered how to raise a baby genius? 

When your child was a newborn, did you bask in the glory of comments like, “she’s so alert for her age!” 

Whether you admit it or not, we all secretly prize intelligence in our children from an early age.

Like every dad with their first baby, I gazed into the eyes of my sweet little nugget looking for signs of brilliance.

I convinced myself that our son had potential for greatness when he locked eyes with me as a newborn and smiled. 

Oh wait.  That was just gas.   

Nevertheless, I knew one of my most important jobs as a dad would be to nurture my child's growing brain as much as possible. 

So naturally I hit Google hard with the mission to throw some dollars at the right toys, books and gadgets. 

Anyone out there know “Baby Einstein” products?  Yeah…I do too.

After getting past the nervous jitters phase of first time parenting.

And upon shelling out some serious dough on eco-friendly, wooden, no light, no sound, no battery toys, I came to a thrilling conclusion…

While these gadgets do have some benefit, I discovered I already had the answer, no additional purchase required.  Thank goodness.

Disclaimer: this isn’t a technique that will help you raise MENSA certified geniuses.  That is just nature, not nurture.  This is rather about nurturing our kids to their fullest potential.  

The answer...Peekaboo. 

Disappointed?  Don’t be.  Read on.

A baby’s brain makes over 1 million neural connections EVERY SECOND.  The first 5 years of life are the most important (and fastest) phase of brain development. 

So how does peekaboo help?

The Answer: Serve And Return

It forms a SERVE and RETURN interaction between you and your baby, which turns out is just what your little one is craving.   

No, not a classic Agassi vs. Sampras match…

Serve and return is what science-y folks at Harvard say is the best way for parents to shape their child’s brain architecture (fancy word for building healthy brain development).

A baby’s brain is rapidly building connections (neural pathways).  These pathways control everything from our emotions to our decision making to how we think about the world.  

Healthy pathways are created or strengthened when your baby cries, babbles or reaches (the serve) and we engage (the return). The return might be making eye contact, giving a facial expression, talking, playing or laying on a hug.  

Now, we won’t always be perfect and sometimes our kids might send over an ace (we might miss the serve).  But in order to be active in your child’s brain development, we must try to return most of the serves (note to self…put the phone down).  

So how much should we be practicing serve and return? 

We must do this EARLY and OFTEN.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking damn I don’t do this enough with my baby. 

But hold on. 

You probably do without realizing it.  This doesn’t have to be perfect.  It really just requires that you be present with your child and soak up their adorable selves.

Molly (one of the youngest Ted speakers ever) notes, in her great Ted Talk, that games like copycat, naming and peekaboo build critical brain connections starting right out of the womb.  Supporting important  brain growth that will help our kids make friends, take tests, get jobs and one day be great parents.   

The challenge to us:  Be ready and present, put away our screens and engage on the court of child interaction.  Do this EARLY and OFTEN (as much as you can).  And remember the more SERVES we RETURN the more growth we will both experience.  And our children will thrive by five. 

Dads, Do This To Raise Badass Girls

Want to raise a badass daughter?

A daughter that isn't a helpless princess but is strong and independent?

I do!

I have two lovely daughters and want to raise them to be badasses (confident, fearless, and independent). 

I don't want lil' princesses waiting for some prince to come to save them. 

I want them to f@#k shit up! 

The Disney princess message isn't the best for our daughters (thankfully, Disney finally gets that). 

Here are eight things we dads can do to raise fiercely independent (badass) daughters who can conquer any life obstacle.  

NOTE: For this guide, I adapted a great piece by wicked smart parenting expert (Harvard trained) @KimmySWolfe. If you want to expand more on this topic, read more of her work here.

1/DON'T BE AFRAID OF "TABOO" TOPICS

"Great fathers touch on as many topics as possible with their daughters, even the uncomfortable ones."

"It's listening and sharing your viewpoints so that she feels loved, seen, and supported."

This will prepare her for tough conversations (personal or business) later in life. 

2/ FIND WAYS TO DO STUFF TOGETHER

Take time with your daughter. Ask her to join you on a trip to the hardware store. Read a book next to her while she is reading. Take a walk. Have a daddy/daughter date night. Just take time with her. 

3/ ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Use your own life experiences as opportunities to teach your girl how to handle situations. Our daughters will observe how we react. Model the behavior you want in your daughter. Modeling could look like how we deal with that car that just cut you off. Show her what it's like to be a good neighbor and a good husband. You will leave an imprint on her.    

4/ TREAT HER LIKE SHE'S THE HERO

Have high expectations. Show and tell your daughter she is strong, independent, and capable. Be her supporter, not her savior. Don't jump in to fix her problems (like a prince saving a princess). She can do it now; show her that by being her sideline coach and supporter.  

5/ USE A STORY

A story is the most powerful way to share values or learnings with our daughters. It will feel less like a lecture (how many times did you fall asleep during your first year in Chem101?). 

Melanie Green, a professor at the University at Buffalo states, "stories can alter broader attitudes — like our views on relationships, politics or the environment. Messages that feel like commands — even good advice… aren't always received well." 

A story conveys information in a relatable package… "the information will likely come across less like a lecture and more like a personal truth."

6/ CHUCK YOUR PHONE

Be present. When it is daddy/daughter time, don't let anything interrupt. Show her that she's important and your time together is precious by locking your phone away. One day your lil' girl will be tending to her family and responsibilities.  

7/ BE SPONTANEOUS 

Don't wait. For a weekend. A birthday. Be impromptu. Maybe even play hooky. Here's why playing hooky is a great idea

It will make the time together more memorable.  

8/ CHEER THE HARD WORK (not the outcome)

Don't celebrate the A+; rather, cheer all the hours she spent studying. Celebrating the hard work reinforces the independence and grit needed to be a badass.  

Dad Challenge

Pick one. Start today. Then build on what works. One day our daughters will thank us.

How A 5-Star Attitude Changed Parenting For Me

Ever get stressed by your kids? Like getting ready for bed or eating meals?

It sometimes causes me stress even before the struggle starts.  Just the pure anticipation of the battle that is about to ensue is enough to put me on edge.   

What if I told you I discovered that problem might not my kids’…and the opportunity might be something I have control over….my attitude. 

First, an unlikely story to drive home how attitude can change everything. 

A fitness trainer walks into a DMV.  

Shaan Puri from My First Million podcast tells a story about his fitness trainer (let's call him Guy) at the DMV.  

You know the place you go for car stuff (license and registration), wait in long lines, always smells like weed, and comes with a thick dose of attitude from everyone that works there.

Well, Guy decided to make this time different.  He decided he was going to make his DMV visit a  5-star experience by acting like a 5-star customer. Here’s how:

He went in like he was going to a friend's party.

Held the door for another customer.

He cracked a quip with the first employee he saw and joked “now who is the best person to get me out of here quickly?”

Instead of telling him to get in line like everyone else she said “come over here, I will take care of you” cutting the line completely.

He complimented her outfit and she suggested he could come to see her any time he needed something from the DMV.

His 5-star attitude turned a dreaded DMV visit into a 5-star experience.

What does a DMV story have to do with dadding?

I’ve been working on being a 5-star dad with my kids.  It actually works. 

Instead of bracing for impact, I’ve learned that loosening up helps change the game. 

I found that being light and a little loose helps me better connect with my little kiddos.  Using games, stories or just a fun attitude helps us all make it through those tough transitions.

So try it…put on that going-to-a-friend’s party self and make your kids' bedtime, dinner, or teeth brushing a little special.

See if a 5-star attitude helps everyone loosen up rather than brace for impact. 

Why You Need To Invent Your Own Family Rituals

Think about Christmas time as a kid: what do you remember most?

It’s not the big things, but the little rituals that made it unique. 

For example, maybe your family always opened a single present on Christmas eve.

Maybe your Dad would allow you to take a sip of his Miller High Life each Christmas….

It doesn’t matter!

In short, rituals are the seasoning that gives your family its unique flavor!

(Being corny is one of my daily rituals)

Most Americans celebrate Christmas, but only your family celebrates it in your own special way.

So, What Makes A Ritual Special, Anyways? 

What makes a ritual special is its separation from normal life. 

THAT is the most important part!

For your family ritual’s to really be impactful, they should be a break from what your family does normally.

Example: 

You are a family which allows ZERO processed, sugary foods in the house. 

Every spring break, the whole family has a movie night. You guys go to the grocery store together first, and each kid/parent gets to pick out two of the most unhealthy snacks that their heart desires.

What This Does For Your Family

Trust me, if you are a family of health nuts, this annual lapse in judgment will be met with huge anticipation! 

Oftentimes, the best rituals are a little bit naughty. That’s why you remember that sip of beer your dad allowed you each Christmas: it was a break from the norm. 

Family rituals are an amazing way to build a sense of identity for your family. 

By inventing your own, your kid's childhood experience will be totally unique.

Think about it like this: the best rituals are the ones your kids will brag about to their friends at school.

That’s the Dadding challenge for today:

Think up a family ritual you can do that will make your kids so happy, they are gonna brag about it to their friends at school.