The Stress-Free Way To Get Confident Little Bikers
Dads, don’t make this common mistake.
Teaching our kids to ride a bike can be as challenging for us dads as for our kids.
Here is the no pressure art of teaching your kids to ride a bike with confidence.
Dads, here’s the simplest way to teach your kids to ride a bike confidently.
The challenge: Teaching our kids to ride a bike is often frustrating for us dads.
Even when our intentions are good.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Here is my no-pressure art of teaching your kids to ride a bike with confidence.
First, here's how learning to ride went for me as a child:
My dad, a firefighter, was more of the cool-aid man (brute force) than a patient teacher.
He took the philosophy when teaching me to ride a bike:
1/ You will thank me later
2/ I don’t care about what you “Feel”. I care about results.
My dad’s approach:
1/ Buy me a new bike.
2/ Take me to a bike path.
3/ Give me a push as I wobble down the trail.
4/ And stay at it until I learned
The problem with this:
Every time he let go I was afraid to go on my own.
Falling down hurts.
He grew impatient.
I could feel his frustration, which only added to my hesitation and fear.
I started to cry.
“Dad, I wanna go home”
His response:
“We can go home if you learn to ride your bike, or we can go home after you have fallen five times.”
The results:
Skinned knees.
Tears.
I left defeated, cycling equaled fear & pain.
I didn’t try to ride my bike again for a year.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Here is my no-pressure art of teaching my son to confidently ride his pedal bike.
And there are 3 simple steps:
1/ Make sure the bike fits your kid properly.
Adjust the seat so their feet sit flat on the ground.
2/ Remove the pedals from the bike.
3/ With the pedal-less bike, they can scoot around on their own. And become more confident on 2 wheels.
The 2 reasons this is better:
1/ Encourages our kids to gain confidence at their own pace.
2/ Allows the experience to be pressure free: this isn’t a zero to a hundred process, but a gradual increase in skill.
Back to my childhood...
Eventually, I did learn how to ride my bike, free from my dad’s impatience.
I’m not mad at him I get his intentions.
He saw the neighborhood kids riding and knew that I would feel excluded If I didn’t learn.
But he made something that should've been fun, super stressful.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Give your kid the tools they need to teach themselves.
Soon, they will be asking you to put the pedals back on their bikes.
Raise Kids That Can Defeat Robots
6 Ways To Raise Kids That Can Defeat Robots.
Dads, have you ever thought, damn, Terminator is looking less like fiction?
Undoubtedly the future will look like some version of the Jetsons…full of robots.
Robots, or what we commonly refer to as Artificial Intelligence (AI), have caused more buzz than the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
The hype has been chiefly about OpenAI’s ChatGPT.
What is ChatGPT?
First, AI stands for Artificial Intelligence, and it's like a robot brain that can think and learn on its own.
And ChatGPT is a special kind of AI that can talk and write, just like you and me.
So imagine Pinky is like a regular person, and he wants to know something. But instead of asking the Brain, he asks ChatGPT. And ChatGPT can find the answer for him really fast, because it's really smart.
Just like how the Brain always has a plan to take over the world, AI and ChatGPT have a plan to help people with all sorts of things, like talking to a doctor, or helping with school work.
[ChatGPT’s answer when prompted to explain ChatGPT like Pinky and The Brain]
ChatGPT can draw up contracts, craft blogs, write code, pen essays, and pass exams.
ChatGPT could even get an elite MBA from a Uni like Wharton.
A Wharton MBA professor recently gave ChatGPT their course exam, and it beat students, scoring a B.
If you think that’s impressive, ChatGPT passed the US Medical Licensing exam.
And coasted to a pass on the Bar exam (lawyers betta be scared).
Educators worry that cheating will spread faster than the latest TikTok dance trend, stoking fear that AI will make many things we know today obsolete.
So much for Waylon Jennings' advice:
“mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys…let’em be doctors and lawyers and such.”
So what?
The opportunity might be in what we value and how we teach our kids, so they don’t get replaced by robots.
This tweet from Neil deGrasse Tyson (Astrophysicist) sums it up well.
If parents and educators, continue to value grades over learning, we are destined to raise kids that robots can replace in the job market.
Well, how can an exhausted, maybe non-techie, dad raise the John (or Sarah) Connors, that can defeat SkyNet (not get replaced by robots)?
Here are the 6 things I’m doing and you can do today:
1/ Get familiar with AI
You don’t have to be a genius or techie to use AI.
ChatGPT is free, and interacting with it is as easy as typing in questions.
There’s a fun website that lets you type in any word and creates an image from those words. This AI tool is called DreamStudio.
Try it out. Have fun. This is only the beginning.
2/ Raise kids with traits that AI will not easily replace.
Creativity, empathy, critical thinking, and communication (a big topic for a future blog post).
There are many ways to do this but to put it simply, model and encourage these behaviors through your own actions.
Think “monkey see, monkey do.”
And encourage them to; pursue passions like the arts, solve puzzles, name and discuss their emotions and find their favorite storytellers so they can read and learn to tell stories.
3/ Expose them to AI early
Use ChatGPT to explain a topic. Use a prompt like this:
Explain [Insert Complex Topic] like [Their Favorite Cartoon Character] to [Grade level].
Example of a prompt I might use:
Explain nuclear fusion like paw patrol to a preschooler.
Nuclear fusion is like when the Paw Patrol team works together to save the day. Just like how each pup has a special skill and job, the tiny things inside atoms called nuclei have special properties and when they work together, they can make a bigger and stronger atom. This process is called nuclear fusion and it's what makes the sun shine, and it's also what scientists are trying to do in special places called fusion reactors to make clean energy. Just like how the Paw Patrol team works together to save the day, Nuclear fusion can make a lot of energy for us to use.
Explore together. Let your kids ask the questions. Discuss where it is right and where it does not explain things fully.
4/ See AI as a power tool
Ok, so imagine you’re building a skate ramp for your kids.
You could use a handsaw but damn, you will be there for hours. Instead, you pull out your Dewalt battery-powered circular saw.
This is how we should think of AI. It can help us work faster and better while saving us from some serious pain (dem’ shoulders get sore for days in your 40s)
Need to draft an email to an upset customer...use AI.
Need an icebreaker or good “no fail’ question to start a meeting…use AI.
Want to draft a rental contract for a new tenant…see where I’m going with this?
One emerging trend for using AI as a power tool is promptcraft.
Promptcraft is like being a woodworker and using power tools to aid in crafting a beautiful piece of furniture.
The woodworker knows that the joints and the finish make the piece beautiful, so that’s where they spend most of their time learning and focusing.
Promptcraft uses AI to make quick and accurate cuts so you can spend your time on the joints and the finish to get a beautiful piece.
5/ Explain to them how AI is already improving lives
I work in healthcare, and we’re using AI to make doctors' and nurses' jobs easier by finding diseases that even a trained eye might not catch.
It is also helping find patients that might be at risk so they can get treatment before things get hopeless.
But it doesn’t stop with healthcare. Tesla and self-driving cars use AI to make roads safer by making decisions way quicker than distracted drivers (get off your phone).
Next time you see a Tesla on the road, make a note to your son or daughter and mention how the robot in the Tesla is making the roads safer for all of us.
6/ Value learning over grades
Grades might have some value, but learning is the key to life. Praise the act of trying, failing, reflecting, redesigning, and retrying.
Hell, instead of sitting at a desk. Play hooky (a post on this topic) with your child to learn something. Go to a museum, learn a new sport, or take a class on a new practical skill.
Try something, try anything that focuses on the act of learning.
Takeaway
We, dads, have a big responsibility, to make sure our kids don’t get replaced by robots.
It starts with us learning about and embracing AI as a power tool that can make life better.
Pick one of these things and start today. Your kids’ futures will depend on it.
“I’ll be back….”(said in my best Arnold voice)
The Best Trait For Kid’s Success AND You Can Do It In Your Backyard
The best trait to teach your kids for long term success and you can do it in your own backyard.
Guess what?
Curiosity is essential to a kid’s growth.
It is also the best predictor of future success…said a bunch of smart people.
Beyond teaching them to not be afraid of everything, curious kids become kids with more scientific outlooks.
Basically, a curious kid is a kid who “seeks to fill knowledge gaps or uncertainty”.
But, what does this mean?
For a kid who seeks to fulfill knowledge gaps naturally, this mindset will encourage your kid to do what scientists do: Ask questions, and see if there are answers to these questions.
Basically, this curious mindset is just a stellar pathway to fostering little scientists.
But how?
Today, we are gonna present a two-step plan: Encourage, and Model Curiosity.
Encourage Curiosity
This is your time to put “no stupid questions” into practice.
As this week's source points out, a kid whose questions aren’t explored will stop asking them.
Which means,
If your kid asks a Q: have fun with it!
If you don’t know, the answer, explore it with him…
BONUS: The now popular Sesame Street song “I Wonder, What If, Let’s Try.” is a simple framework to guide curiosity.
This brings us to our next point:
Model Curiosity
Just like emotions, just like language: your kid will learn curiosity from you!
Example:
You guys are walking through a forest trail.
Your daughter points to a bug:
Opportunity Alert!
You say to her, “I wonder why that bug is red?”
What if…together brainstorm as many “what ifs” as you can, before you reach for your phone…no wrong answers here.
Once you get home, you keep the curiosity alive.
At home, your dear friend google teaches you guys that the bug is red to signify to predators…
“I'm poisonous! If you eat me …
Science.
Spark Notes
Encourage Curiosity: Always treat your kid's questions as worthy, and give them the time of day they deserve.
Model Curiosity: Show your kid what a curious person looks like, and how a curious person follows up on their questions.
Your Challenge
If your kid has any curious questions this week, explore one of them with ridiculous depth. See just how far down the rabbit hole you can go.
Equally, try to model one curious question. See if you can ask a question that makes your kid so curious that THEY become the encourager in the duo.
7 Parenting Tips From An FBI Top Hostage Negotiator
7 Parenting Tips From An FBI Top Hostage Negotiator and other coaching tips to raise your dad game.
It was a disaster. Our worst dining experience as parents.
It also came at the tail end of a sugar loaded, sleep deprived 8 day vacation (it didn’t feel much like a vacation by the end).
Our six month old was fussy and ready for her long midday nap.
Our 4 year old was tormenting his sister and trying out some new “big kid” language he learned recently. And our middle daughter was responding predictably to his antics with lots of screaming.
The other diners looked on with pity.
On top of that, our server forgot to put in our order and the wait went from painful to excruciating (palm to face).
Although we may have looked calm on the outside, my wife and I were a storm of stress on the inside.
Once we finally made it home. And once the dust settled. We played back the events to understand what went wrong and what we could have done differently (like a coach watching his post game tape).
This was not just a normal loss. This was a blowout kind of loss. One that was so embarrassing it had us questioning everything.
We reflected on how we got to this and more importantly how we were going to move forward. It felt like more than just a bad day, it seemed to us that our whole family was in need of some drastic changes. And we realized that change needed to start with ourselves.
Our Research Converged
When my wife and I get stuck we like to read. My wife started reading ‘Raising Good Humans’ by Hunter Clarke Fields and I read a book about negotiating with terrorists.
Seriously, Chris Voss, former FBI Top International Hostage Negotiator, wrote the book ‘Never Split the Difference’ about what he learned by negotiating with terrorists and how it can be applied to any part of our lives…especially parenting.
Both had the same theme and came to the same conclusion.
Empathy (Ironic coming from an FBI tough guy).
Voss defines empathy as:
“paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and making a commitment to understanding their world.”
So here is what I learned.
NOTE: It can be applied to any human to human interaction. Like asking for a raise, overcoming a challenge on a team project or closing a deal.
1/ Slow it down
Ask How and What questions to slow things down.
Son: “I want the pastry!” (emotionally charged)
Me: “How am I supposed to do that?” (hopefully, in a calm and slow tone)
This moves the discussion with my son from the emotional part of his brain (amygdala) to the logical side of the brain (pre-frontal cortex). This slows it down because it takes him time to respond. Also giving me time.
2/ Understand the Need
Me: “It seems like you are hungry”
Son: “Yes”
Understanding my son’s true need. Sometimes this will take a few rounds to get to the actual need. Even guessing wrong is ok because it will cause him to clarify.
3/ Label the emotion
Me: “You sound upset that you can’t have the pastry, right now?”
Son: “No, I am mad I can’t have the pastry”
Note: Kids cry or lash out as an expression of an emotion they haven’t learned how to express quite yet. You can help them by labeling the emotion. This will give them a better awareness of their emotions. And eventually more control over their emotions.
4/ Mirror
Me: “You’re mad you can’t have the pastry right now?”
Son: “That’s right”
Playing back the last 1 to 3 words my son said helps create a connection. It creates a sort of synchronization according to Voss. With the goal of getting a “that’s right”, the ultimate confirmation.
We aren’t looking for “Yes” or “You’re Right” (so much more about this in his book and why these are false confirmations)
5/ Get to back to the Hows and Whats
Son: “I really want the pastry”
Me: “How am I supposed to do that, when we are going to eat dinner shortly?”
Son: “hmmm”
This encourages your child to be a part of the problem solving and be more bought into the solution.
6/ Use Silence (Pause)
Pause and give him a chance to respond. Don’t say anything and accept the silence.
7/ Repeat
They won’t get it on their first try and neither will you. That’s ok…
What I found is one of two things:
He gets worn down from trying to solve the hows and whats and ‘walks away from the deal’ (desire is no longer pressing)
He comes up with a solution that we led him to and meets both of our needs. By helping him understand his real need (hunger) he comes up with a better alternative (piece of fruit) to tie him over until dinner.
Either way he will feel heard and that he has the ability to help resolve differences. With enough reps both him and I should become empathy experts.
This real ‘dad’ scenario is an example of how I have applied these tactics to my willful son. According to Chris Voss (watch one of his videos) empathy applies to every situation in life.
My takeaway from Chris Voss’s book:
If Empathy can work with terrorists and bank robbers, it can work with anyone, in any situation, especially dadding.
Slow things down by engaging my kids in the problem solving by asking how and what questions
Label emotions and mirror. When kids feel heard and understood they feel a connection which builds trust.
Tone, it is more important how I say something than what I say. Use late night FM DJ voice or playful voice (even in tense situations).
Try not to let my emotions get into the discussion. Pause, for myself and deep breath to reset.
Ok…so we’re not perfect at the empathy thing yet. But my wife and I have been making an honest effort lately to try and understand our son's world. This doesn’t mean giving him everything he wants. But it does mean having some honest empathy for him when things aren’t going his way or when his emotions are getting the better of him. And what I’ve found is that yes, we still have bad days. But most days are feeling more like a game where we’re all on the same team and less like a hostage takeover.
How To Make Your Kid’s Book Learnin’ Geniuses
We all want our kids to be little geniuses.
The problem?
There is simply too much conflicting information surrounding the topic.
Thus, we aren’t going to focus on giving you an overview of every possible technique for making little geniuses.
Instead, we are going to focus on one thing that has been proven to be beneficial to your children’s cognitive growth: Story Time.
More importantly, we will give you our adaptation of the method developed by The Stony Brook Reading and Language Project to ensure your readings have the maximum cognitive benefits.
But we are gonna change it up to make it less, Uhmmm, science-y. If you want to read about their method, click here.
Otherwise, read along for our SparkNotes.
The Ask And Repeat Method
“And then Moe gave me a hyuuuuuuuuge beer…”
Not all stories are created equal.
While reading to your kid is always good, to get the most benefit from storytime, we would like to introduce you to a technique that encourages your kids to become the storyteller themselves.
This is not a listening exercise, but a conversation!
Here are the steps. Don’t worry, an example ahead!
Also, yes, we know we don’t have a catchy acronym. Just remember to Ask and Repeat, and treat these steps as a loose guideline.
Ask
Ask your child a question about the story.
Review
Review your child’s response.
This will shape your response in the next section.
Add To
Here, ask your child another questions about the story.
Repeat
Have your child repeat your ‘add’.
An Example of Ask And Repeat!
You’re reading a book about cats and their varied emotional states.
In the book, there is a photo of a cat looking incredibly sad.
Ask (a question):
You: What’s in this photo?
Kid: “A cat”
Size Up:
You: Yes, my kid is correct! Wow, we’ve got a genius on our hands.
Add To:
“Yes, you identified it’s a cat! What do you notice about that cat?”. They might say “it looks sad” or “it’s white”.
Repeat:
“Can you say that’s a sad, white cat?”
“It’s a sad, white cat, dad!”
The Benefits Of Ask and Repeat Reading
Do not fear the large-headed child(he is learning)
The most obvious: by making reading an interactive experience, your kid will have more fun, and be more engaged.
While your kid is engaged, they are learning two important things: Vocab, and how to interact with a story.
The vocab aspect is obvious: as they expand their answer or you might need to introduce new words.
The other aspect is less obvious: by having a conversation with them about the book, you are teaching them how to think critically about a book.
Look. This isn’t some hair-brained idea we invented.
This is hard science that we’ve adapted to make it easier to understand and implement.
So.
Make Story Time
More Fun
More Beneficial to their little noggins.
Go make a little Jimmy Neutron!
Let ’em Fight, Why Kids That Learn Conflict Thrive
Let ’em fight, why kids that learn conflict thrive.
Have you ever taken your kid to the park when your sweet child suddenly becomes a selfish monster trying to take another kids toy?
So what’s one to do? Jump in and referee? Turn your back? Munch on some popcorn and watch it all play out?
Note: If you have older kids….stay tuned because all still applies with one key point.
Let’s paint a scene that drives home a key point…
Lil’ Jimmy is bumbling from sandbox to swingset and his mom is on him like ‘white on rice’ (this is a dadism from my ‘OG’ father.)
Then lil’ Jimmy gets locked in…on a toy he wants…but…Lil’ Suzy is deep into play with that three-wheeled rusted ol’ dump truck.
My kids only want toys that other kids have. I am sure this could be a law of nature, as dependable as gravity.
Quickly, lil’ Jimmy’s mom becomes a hostage negotiator trying to talk lil’ Jimmy down. Usually what ensues are two kids, one or both in tears, because they are made to share with one another…by their parents.
We all have a bit of lil’ Jimmy’s mom in us. We are so worried that our own Lil’ Jimmy’s might offend another parent or god forbid take the toy from Suzy. It has become the norm for parents to step in and stop any conflict
I’ve got 3 “Lil’ Jimmys” at home and after seeing a LOT of toy conflicts, there’s a better way and here’s what you can do. Lets first start with why we need to remove ourselves from our kids’ squabbles.
The Why
As sure as death and taxes, conflict is a part of everyday life.
ONE. CONFLICT. AFTER. ANOTHER.
I can’t tweet a funny little dadding nugget without someone commenting “harmful.” People seem to be conflict illiterate these days; just scroll your favorite social app for a few minutes. YIKES! (have you SEEN the mysterious pink sauce debate?)
I bet if you stopped to think about your day you would agree it is littered with conflict: at home, on the road, at work, hell…even on the phone with your internet provider.
Now imagine a bunch of lil’ Jimmys, whose parents followed them around through childhood, resolving their conflicts for them.
Then these lil’ Jimmys grow up and find themselves in a world where even adults struggle to handle conflict…look out!
But I am here to tell you there is hope, and it starts with you and I.
We dads need to show our kids how to handle conflicts. We need to be active coaches. And give our kids the tools to resolve conflict safely and on their own.
You might be thinking:
“My kid is too immature to resolve conflict.”
Or
“I don’t want my kids to hurt anyone or be the playground bully.”
Good points.
And I agree. It is our job as dads to keep our kiddos and the other kids at the playground safe. So we should never let it get to fisticuffs.
Here are the four things you can do with your kids that will give them to tools to be conflict heavy weight champs.
NOTE: We try to make research more dad-like but if you’re interested, HERE is what the smart PhDs have to say about resolving conflict.
Wrestle…with feelings first. I know, I know. Gushy, gross feelings. But just like changing diapers…you gotta do it. Let's make it a little less gushy and gross. Accepting your kids' feelings. When your kids feel heard, they calm down and are more likely to listen. Here’s how to do that:
Give a high five to the emotion. No one can turn off emotions. The key is in how we handle them. So tell your child it is ok to be mad, angry, sad or whatever the current flavor is.
Tag them into their emotions by helping them name the feeling. “You sound like you’re mad,” or “You seem angry because you did not get that toy you wanted.”
Get them off of the top ropes by helping them through the big part of the emotion. Being there for them and remaining calm, you will help them down off the big part of emotion (the high ropes).
Now for landing the ‘leg drop’ on what is causing the emotion. “You both want to play with that deflated ball” or “you are mad because Lil’ Suzy has a new best friend.” This is required to move onto the next step. NOTE: As they get older it's likely that the conflict will have a few more layers you will need to dig through.
Be Bob Saget…not Half Baked Bob….Full House Bob: Danny Tanner. Help them be good communicators by teaching them how to communicate. Suggest telling lil’ Suzy what they want or suggest they listen to lil’ Suzy’s desires at the moment. And if lil’ Suzy doesn’t want to give that shit up right now, help them understand what that means.
Flick That Lightbulb On - Ask them how they might resolve it on their own. Kids like this autonomy; it’s good practice and self esteem building when they feel you trust them to problem solve on their own. 2 years and under won’t be able to do this (unless you have a lil’ genius) and in that case congrats to you! Be patient. If they are struggling, toss out some ideas but let them decide which idea to go with. It takes practice but you would be surprised…it works. And if we start early…yes even at 18 months old. And give our kids a chance, especially at home with their siblings (where there is less pressure to jump in), we can make them champs.
Model Conflict Resolving at Home - Be an example and show your kids how to handle conflict at home with your partner and even with your kids when you want them to do something but they just won’t budge. Most times, looking at myself in the conflict-resolution-mirror can be both personally helpful and humbling.
Bonus Tip: This isn’t just for kids under 5. These same 4 things can be used with older kids too. The earlier you start, the less your child will need your help resolving more gnarly conflicts as they get older. With older kids you should expect more from them. Expect that they will be able to come up with ideas to resolve and that they communicate their wants and feelings. Let them come up with the solutions without your help…sit back…your job is to validate and offer support in THEIR resolution process.
Now let's get out of our kids' conflict ring and observe like a coach from the ropes….where we only get to check in and coach between rounds. They won’t win every round but the more they spar the more likely they will become conflict champions.
Here’s How You Can Help Your Kids Succeed
“I can’t do it!”…Why This Is The Perfect Place For Dad Kid Magic
Do conversations with your kids ever go like this?
Me: How did your ski lessons go today?
Child: I can’t do it….I don’t want to go.
One of my biggest fears as a father is a child that gives up when things get tough.
Kids that learn to overcome the hard stuff are more confident and successful. While there isn’t always an obvious recipe to creating kids that push through…
Here are 4 things you can do to teach your kids to never give up and why this is so important…
It Starts With The Why:
There is a four letter words that has been getting a whole lot of buzz in parenting circles and describes taking on life’s hard stuff…
$#it —--—————————————-----> Grit.
Grit is a bit like being up with a sick child all night and still going to work, cutting the grass and playing ball with your kid while you’re totally exhausted.
Angela Duckworth’s TED talk (with >26M views) defines Grit as:
Where passion and perseverance meet to achieve long term goals.
Ms. Duckworth is clear to point out that Grit is NOT:
Natural Talent
Hotdog anyone?
Or
Luck
phew….
Duckworth’s research showed that Grit had a higher correlation to success than natural talent or intelligence (her research followed West Point Cadets and National Spelling Bee Contestants).
Put more simply…. MORE GRIT = MORE SUCCESS.
If the goal is to raise successful kids and grit is the way to achieve that goal…
Then how do we get grittier kids?
Here are the 4 ways to tackle grit:
Be Mufasa (from the Lion King)
Get Hyped About Real Learning
You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?
Start With A Pillow Fort
Be Mufasa (Demanding Yet Supportive)
Check out this clip of Mufasa giving a master class in being a dad (75secs).
Mufasa is a classic Authoritative style parent. This form of parenting is ideal for creating grit in kids. There is plenty of evidence to back that this style produces the best outcomes in children:
“Studies have found that authoritative parents are more likely to raise confident kids who achieve academic success, have better social skills and are more capable at problem-solving.” (From Make It)
Now for a quick visual on Authoritative parenting, along with the other 3 styles.
Do Be:
Demanding set high expectations but support your kids to meet those expectations. And have rules with natural consequences.
Don’t Be:
Too Tough on yourself. It is hard to always ‘dad’ in the top right corner. We are playing the long game here and small adjustments over time lead to success.
Al Bundy from Married…with Children (Neglectful), Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny (Permissive) or Red Forman That 70s Show (Authoritarian).
Get Hyped About Real Learning
There has been a lot written and researched about enjoying the process of learning (growth mindset) from uber intelligent people (Dr. Carol Dweck). This enjoyment in process of learning is one way to build grit.
However, this isn’t the cram for a test kind of learning.
That process that growth mindset people learn to enjoy goes something like this:
Hit challenges -> get feedback->learn from failures and mistakes-> apply the learnings->achieve the goal.
We try to get our kids hyped and to love this process by doing these 5 things:
Help our kids see challenges as fun puzzles to solve.
Go all House of Pain “Jump Around” about failures (celebrate them) (see HiLoFunFailFav post).
Help your kids see their success not against their buddies but against their own progress.
Praise the hard work not the outcome - instead of saying “good job” when your kid gets an A on a test, praise all the time and effort they spent studying.
Start using the word ‘yet’ - “I can’t do the monkey bars”. Our response: “You might not be able to do them ‘yet’ but if you keep trying you will.”
You’re On Fire…What Do You Do?
No literally…if you were on fire what would you do?
Stop, Drop and Roll. If you grew up in the 80s or 90s this phrase and set of actions was drilled into our 5th grade brains.
I would argue that there is a more important 3 word phrase we should etch into our kids’ brains about the process of learning.
We teach our kids a simple and memorable way to think about learning and goal achieving….
We use Pause, Think and Re-Try (doesn’t quite roll off as smoothly as Stop, Drop and Roll). For another approach I like Ray Dalio’s learning loop from his book Principles.
Obstacles are a constant when setting goals. Once our kids hit an obstacle on their way to a goal we ask them to Pause. We encourage them to Think about the reasons they hit an issue by asking ‘why’ and suggest they Think of ways they could Re-Try to overcome the barrier. And then Re-Try. We encourage repeating until the goal is met.
Start With A Pillow Fort
Your 4 year old is going to work towards different goals than your 10 year old.
Meet them where they are. Start small.
Let them feel the satisfaction of setting a goal, hitting an obstacle, pausing, thinking, re-trying and eventually achieving.
This should be simple at first… like building a pillow fort.
Let them build. Watch as a pillow wall tumbles. Ask them ‘what would you change so it doesn’t happen again?’ Let them try again. Eventually they will get it.
Without further ado, it’s time to get in the ring with those kiddos and get gritty. With any amount of luck, you just might fail a little, which you now know is a good thing if you've been paying attention.
The NO Pressure Art of Teaching Your Kids To Ride A Bike
Dads, don’t make this common mistake.
Teaching our kids to ride a bike can be as challenging for us dads as for our kids.
Here is the no pressure art of teaching your kids to ride a bike with confidence.
When my dad taught me how to ride a bike, he had two things to say:
You will thank me later
I don’t care about what you “Feel”. I care about results.
His Methodology:
Buy me a new bike.
Take me to a bike path.
Hold me by the shoulders as I wobble down the trail.
The problem?
Every time he let go, I would put my foot down.
I was afraid to go on my own.
This is rational; falling down hurts.
He was patient with me at first.
He would tell me, “The faster you go, the easier it is!”
While this is literally true, this advice did not factor in the real fear I felt.
He grew impatient.
I could feel his frustration, which only added to my hesitation and fear.
I started to cry.
Now, I can recognize that I was crying because I felt like he wasn’t listening to me.
“Dad, I wanna go home”
His response:
“We can go home if you learn to ride your bike, or we can go home after you have fallen five times.”
The results:
Skinned knees.
Tears.
I left the trail defeated, now associating cycling with fear and pain.
I didn’t try to ride my bike again for a year.
It doesn’t have to be like this.
This isn’t about the training method I am going to share with you, but about what the spirit of it teaches us about being a loving coach.
The New Method:
Make sure the bike fits your kid properly. For this, that means adjusting the seat so that their feet sit flat on the ground.
Remove the pedals from the bike.
With the pedal-less bike, let the kid scoot around on their own. They will naturally become more confident on two wheels, and soon they will be ready for you to put the pedals back on.
This method does two things better:
Encourages our kids to gain confidence at their own pace.
Allows the experience to be pressure free: this isn’t a zero to a hundred process, but a gradual increase in skill.
I did learn how to ride my bike eventually. Alone, out in our quiet street. It was in this environment, free from my dad’s impatience, that I found the confidence to try again.
I’m not mad at him; I understand how pure his intentions were. He saw all the neighborhood kids riding, and knew that I would feel excluded If I didn’t learn.
In his zealousness to help me, he made something that should have been fun incredibly stressful.
We don’t have to parent like this.
By creating an environment in which learning a new skill is fun and gradual, our kids will be able to teach themselves.
Don’t put your hand on your kids shoulder, and then be frustrated when they miss your support.
Instead, give your kid the tools they need to teach themselves.
Soon, they will be asking you to put the pedals back on their bikes.