Dads, Don’t Make This Common Mistake

Dads, stop making this common mistake that might prevent your kids from thriving.  

We all want to raise confident and independent kids. 

But, like me, you’ve probably used this common, seemingly harmless phrase. 

And it might be planting seeds of doubt and fear in our kids.  

The great thing is there is a simple fix.  

But first, the seemingly benign phrase.

“Be careful.” 

 Each time we say “be careful,” what we’re really saying is;

“Hey, I'm afraid (fear) you’re going to get hurt,” and “you’re not capable of thinking about the risk, and you need me to remind you.”

Trust me, I’ve said it, but I try not to because…

By saying “be careful,” we’re subtly reinforcing that we fear things and our kids should too. 

And we lack trust in their ability to navigate life.   

The result is unnecessary anxiety.  

Of course, none of us wake up in the morning and declare, “how can I make my kids more anxious, afraid, and a little less confident.”  

We all want to raise confident, independent little explorers.

AND we want them to grow up with all their limbs, intact.  

So here’s the easy fix. 

Instead of “be careful” 

Say, “what's your plan?” 

But you might think, what if my kid is barrelling toward boiling water? 

Or dashing for the busy street.  That’s not good, right?   

There is a solution for this too.  But first, here’s why “what’s your plan?” is the fix.

By using ‘what’s your plan” instead of “be careful,” you’re getting your kids to think about their actions, what they are trying to do, and the potential outcome. 

Our goal as parents should be for our kids to assess risk independently.  

Not to avoid risk. 

Especially as they enter a future that will likely look very different than the one we live in. 

With tech changing things daily, our kids will need to be great at assessing risk rather than avoiding it.  

If they still don’t see the inherent risk in climbing to the top of a dead tree.  

We might add a follow-up question like how are you going to make sure the limb doesn’t break beneath you or how are you going to get down?

This gets them to anticipate and think through potential obstacles or failure points. 

Now back to them in immediate danger, like barrelling toward boiling water or dashing for a busy street. 

When we dads are babysitting our kids (my wife says, “you don’t ‘babysit’ your own kids”), it is our job to keep them safe.  

Sometimes we need to swoop in like superman and save them but then take the time to reflect.  

I would argue this is rare, but sometimes our kids have a lapse in judgment and decide they want to play frogger with traffic.  

Once you save them, don’t yell.  

Simply ask them if they understand why you swooped in.  

Ask them what might have happened if you let them complete the action.

Then explain to them how we need to respect things that could hurt us.   

Takeaway:

So the next time you go to say, “be careful,” catch yourself and ask your child, “what’s your plan?”  

They will likely look at you like you have six heads because they are used to hearing “be careful.” 

Consistently taking the “what’s your plan?” approach will give them the confidence to independently assess the risk of things. 

They will be more confident, independent, and ready to take on risks. 

Because if they’re avoiding risk, they’re avoiding success. 

How To Raise Future-Proofed Kids

Ever wonder…geez, life is tough; I can’t imagine what it will be like for my kids?

I don’t have a crystal ball, but things have changed a ton since I was a kid, and I can only imagine that life will look pretty different when our kids grow up. 

One of the common characteristics of successful adults is that they’re comfortable with failure and mistakes.

Here’s why. 

Success in life is about learning from mistakes.  

Chamath Palihapitiya, the controversial billionaire with a rags-to-riches story, said, "life's success is how you control your mistakes. The way you control your mistakes is by making a bunch of mistakes.”  

Mistakes are jet fuel for success.   

We learn through mistakes because each mistake reduces the number and severity of future errors until we know what is needed to succeed.   

As our kids get older, the world around them (including us dads) expects them to make fewer mistakes and yet this is an inherently flawed mindset.  

Think about how mistakes lead us to some of our greatest discoveries in life. 

Some questionable dating mistakes are how we found our +1.  

Mistakes are what lead to thriving new businesses.  

Mistakes have uncovered breakthrough products, services, and nuclear fusion.

A culture of mistakes is how our kids become confident and entrepreneurial lil’ badasses ready to tackle whatever the future holds. 

So how do we make mistakes as much part of our family tradition as cheering for our favorite football team? 

Here are three ways you can start today:

1/ Make mistakes a side dish at dinnertime 

Ask your kids how they failed each day (check out the Art of Family Dinner Convo blog).

You, too, can participate by letting your kids know which mistakes you made that day.  

“Kids, I thought Scam Bank-Fried was a philanthropist and lost a mound of dirty fiat on the FTX crypto exchange.” 

Do this around the dinner table each night to make it routine.

Then ask them what they learned from their mistakes. 

By making it part of dinner each day, your kids will learn a tradition of valuing mistakes. 

2/ Celebrate mistakes

Treat mistakes as gifts.  Celebrate them.

Mistakes are a gift because each one is newly acquired knowledge.

Do this by going a little deeper once your kids share their mistakes.  They may even have failed several times that day.  

Ask them which mistake was their favorite and why.  

Ask them what they learned from their failure. 

Celebrating mistakes by talking about them will make them a part of your family tradition.  

3/ Don’t throw the flag and penalize 

It's easy to think not all mistakes are created equal.  

But I would argue it is important how we handle all mistakes, even mistakes that seem blatant or no-brainers, like when my son wakes up in the morning and douses our toilet like an unmanned garden hose.  

My instinct is to be like, “SON!  You suck at pissing! Sit down next time”!  

It is easy for me to default to anger or shame for intentional (taking the base screws out of dad’s office chair) or no-brainer (pissing all over the toilet seat) mistakes.  

But this is where a tradition of mistakes can start to erode.  

It would be better for me to acknowledge that his aim isn’t good quite yet, and until he learns to hit the bullseye, he will need to clean it up and go back to sitting when pissing.  

Our challenge to you:

The ability to embrace mistakes is a key to raising kids that can handle whatever the future throws at them.

Start by making mistakes a tradition by serving them daily at the dinner table.  Celebrate them, and don't penalize mistakes, even no-brainers. 

Let's get out there and push mistakes like weights (ode to the great poet Ice Cube).